Sunday, October 27, 2013

Movie in My Mind

I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about what could have been, should have been and has been in my life.  Like most people, I had a grand plan of what my life would be.  I knew that I wanted my life to mean something, I wanted to use my life to help other people.  In my plan that was going to be through the study of law or maybe psychology.  I was going to get married, have children and use my life to help other people. This was my plan for my life.  This was the plan I had since I was a child.  Unfortunately, as we all know, life barely ever goes according to plan. Sometimes the universe takes your plan and decides it is worthy of complete and total destruction.  It has become apparent to me that my plan was deemed worthy of destruction.
I know I am trying to stay positive, but I promised to be honest and share everything, even the bad days. These last few days have made it very hard to see the glass as being half full.  My heart and soul are aching and I am struggling with how to make the pain stop. On bad days it feels like I have a movie on constant replay in my mind: Rape, abuse, miscarriage, loss.  On bad days I can't shake these things.  I can't make the movie shut off.
These last few weeks I have been reliving the short lived pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent the miscarriage, just like there was nothing I did to cause it.  My heart aches just the same though. My heart aches over the knowledge that I couldn't protect it. I couldn't do my job as a woman and protect the fetus that was starting to grow inside of me. I always swore that when I had children I move go to the ends of the earth, doing whatever it take to I protect them and I failed in this before my child was even born.  I have so much guilt about this and I am not sure how to even begin to reconcile it.  
I hear about women who lose their children and I can only imagine how they feel.  They had their children with them for a period of time.  They got to have them in their lives and get to know the people these children were becoming.  My heart breaks for them.  I grieve for them.  Then I wonder if I even have the right to grieve for the baby I lost when I never had the chance to know him or her.  I don't know that I have that right, but again, I doesn't make it hurt any less. This may just be something that only time can heal.  I just hope it gets easier sooner rather than later.

Monday, October 7, 2013

October 2001

I had a wonderful, yet exhausting session with Bonita on Thursday night.  Another key was turned and another lock was opened.
I realized that the pain and trauma from the rape was not the only thing I buried for survival’s sake.  Every traumatic thing, of which there have been many, that has happened was buried and locked away.  I visualize it like a group of nesting boxes, each one holding a secret and, in my case, each one with its own lock and key.   
During this session, we opened the box that encapsulated October 2001.  This month would come to be known as the worst month of my life.   This was the month of my grandmother’s death and the beginning of my mom’s coma.  After Gram died, everyone got to go home and grieve her loss…everyone except my dad, my sister and me.  We would be at the hospital sitting vigil at my mom’s bedside praying she would open her eyes.  We did this every day for 6 weeks.  I didn't allow myself to fully grieve Gram’s loss partly because I knew I would not survive if I had to turn around and grieve my mom and because I blamed myself for Gram’s death. 
I knew how to do energy work.  I don’t know how I was able to do it, I just could.  I would practice energy work on Gram when she was in the hospital, then I would go to my mom’s hospital room and work on her as well.   After I would work on Gram, she would rally and the next day would be a good day.   The only problem was I didn't know how to or the importance of grounding myself while doing this and I was getting very sick and weak from it all.  I could no longer work on the both of them.  I had to choose and I chose my mom.  Within a few days, Gram died.  A few days later my mom slipped into a coma.  My mom would wake up from her coma six weeks later and go on to fully recover, but I carried an overwhelming and powerful sense of guilt with me for a long time.  It was my job to make sure Gram was ok when my mom was sick.  I was supposed to keep everything together and keep her going.  Instead, I made a choice, my mom over Gram, and I blamed myself for it every minute of every day.
In February 2006 a friend took me to a psychic medium for my birthday.   The medium was able to connect with my grandmother.  I know that many people do not believe in mediums and that’s ok.  For me, I was never sure until I went to see this woman.  Gram and I would sit in her bedroom at night and talk, watch the news and just enjoy each other’s company.  We would talk about anything and everything.  It was my favorite time of day.  When it was just the two of us Gram would call me, “my dear.” She ever used this term with anyone else around, and it was something that I never shared with anyone.  When the medium got in touch with Gram, she called me “my dear.”  During that session with the medium I was able to ask Gram if she forgave me.  Without me having to say another word she said, “My dear, there is nothing to forgive.  You made the choice that I wanted you to make.  There is nothing to forgive.”  In an instant, the guilt that had been tormenting me for 5 long years was gone.  I felt like I could take a deep breath for the first time in years. 
Unlocking the box that housed this pain was like finally being able to take a deep breath again.  Even though the guilt was gone, the grief over losing her was still present.  I locked it away out of fear.  I felt like I needed to be strong to just make it through each day, and each day that went by made it harder to go back to that grief in order to deal with it fully.  With Bonita, I am slowly being able to do this.  Each step is methodical and is leading me to the ultimate goal of reclaiming my life.  This is a painful, yet necessary process, with the only way to deal with it being to go through it.   I guess I never realized just how much I locked away and how far I really do have to go on this journey.