tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37735220344590273732024-02-21T05:21:34.012-05:00Journey of a Thousand Miles...My journey starts with a single step towards healing from the experiences I have had in my life. It isn't always pretty, but it is honest, candid, and cathartic. By telling my story, I am breaking 10 years of silence. Each step is a step towards exorcising the demons of my past, discussing the present state of things and moving forward to a hope filled future.
Thank you for joining me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-20404024872824066252020-12-31T18:56:00.000-05:002020-12-31T18:56:02.655-05:00Goodbye 2020! (The short and sweet version)<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">Congratulations! </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">We made it to the end of the greatest dumpster fire of a year imaginable!</span></p><p style="text-align: center;">As horrible as this year has been it hasn't been all bad.</p><p style="text-align: center;">The COVID-19 pandemic is raging, claiming the lives of over 330,000 Americans, infecting millions, and devastating millions of families world wide. </p><p style="text-align: center;">Wildfires ravaged Australia and California.</p><p style="text-align: center;">Countries across the world went on lockdown.</p><p style="text-align: center;">The world watched in horror as George Floyd was murdered. And again as we saw Ahmaud Arbury stalked and murdered as he was simply out for a jog. And yet again as we saw the body camera footage of Breonna Taylor, a young woman who was simply asleep in her bed, being murdered by police issuing a no knock warrant. We saw these things and we rose up. We protested. We marched. We stood up, united together, and screamed "Black Lives Matter!"</p><p style="text-align: center;">November 3rd was the day that tens of millions of us were waiting for here in the United States. It was election day and we were demanding a change. Because of the COVID-19 pandemic both the election campaigns and voting were very different. We voted early, both in person and by mail. At the end of a crazy week of ballot counting, Trump temper tantrums, and very long days/nights for Steve Kornacki, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are now the President and Vice President-elect, respectively. We rose up and made our voices heard. We voted out a tyrant in the making. We, the people, decided to take our country back from Donald Trump and his band of thieves and villans. Trump lost the Electoral College, taking only 232 votes to Joe Biden's 306. Biden won the popular vote, raking in over 81 million votes. This amazing victory meant that Kamala Harris smashed the glass ceiling by being elected the first African American and Indian American woman to the office of Vice President. </p><p style="text-align: center;">Oh, I forgot one little thing. In August, Jesse, a.k.a. Greatest Boyfriend Ever, decided he didn't want me to be his girlfriend anymore. He thought asking me to be his wife had a much better ring to it! So, after asking him if he was joking, (yes, I really did that) I emphatically and positively said yes! </p><p style="text-align: center;">Everyone, I wish you a happy, healthy, and safe new year. May 2021 bring peace, happiness and prosperity to all. </p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-64256305856789821332020-04-05T20:48:00.001-04:002020-04-05T20:48:55.753-04:00Healing from a Hysterectomy in the Midst of COVID-19 Social Distancing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm not sure why writing to total strangers all over the world is easier than saying how I feel out loud, but for now it is. Maybe it's the act of writing it all down that feels freeing or maybe it is having a captive audience that doesn't interrupt me when I need to spill my guts out. Whatever the reason, this is easier for now. So here goes...<br />
<br />
As of today, I am 3 weeks and 6 days post-op from my total hysterectomy and I am healing well, aside from the massive post-surgical lupus flare I am in again. I was put on prednisone for the initial flare, but it is now out of my system and all of the crappy lupus flare symptoms are back with a vengeance. I'm still here, though.<br />
<br />
There are some things doctors don't tell you before you have a hysterectomy, especially when you need to have one before you have had the chance to have children. They don't tell you how unbelievably sad and truly empty it makes you feel. When the thing that your body was made to do, to create and grow a new life, is no longer a possibility it is an incredibly lonely feeling. Sure, there are support groups and friends and family who have been through it, and people who've been through it know and will share their experience if you ask, but when you have to go through it in your own head it's just you, all alone.<br />
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I'm finding it very difficult to articulate to my family and others just how broken I feel. Yes, I feel broken, defective even. I feel this void inside me and I want to scream. I want to scream at the top of my lungs so everyone can hear me. I want everyone to know how absolutely horrible, angry, pissed off I feel. I feel cheated! I feel robbed of the one thing I always knew I wanted! I feel like I've robbed Jesse of the chance to give David a sibling. Last night I told him how sorry I am to not be able to give him that. I even asked him if he'd rather be with someone who can give that to him. Without missing a beat he simply said he loves me and wasn't losing me. I'm so lucky to have this incredible man in my life. I'm so lucky he picked me to give his heart to and share his life with. However, even with that reassurance, I'm scared that he will, in time, resent me, hate me, or want out. I know I'm crazy for even thinking it (which is what Jesse would lovingly tell me), but it's hard to not let the thoughts, fears, and even paranoia invade my brain. A part of me still looks at this incredible, kind, sweet, loving, perfectly imperfect man, who makes me feel smart, beautiful, and unconditionally loved, and feels like I don't deserve nor am I worthy of him. I know where those thoughts come from - years of dating abusive assholes can really do a number on your self esteem, confidence and self worth - it's making them go away that's the problem.<br />
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I feel so empty inside. I feel like less of a woman. I feel like that part of me, the part that made me feel sexy, beautiful and confident, is damaged and I am struggling to find my way back to it. All of this is compounded by a serious case of cabin fever thanks to COVID-19. Thankfully my family and friends are all healthy and safe at the moment, but the loneliness is amplified by not being able to have friends and family visit. Nothing makes loneliness worse than social distancing and isolation. Thanks, COVID-19!<br />
<br />
I'm so sad that I can't even allow myself to think of what I lost because I'm afraid there would be no coming back from it. Losing Gabriel damn near broke me and it took a lot of work to come back from it. Now that I've permanently lost the possibility of having a child, I don't know if I can handle it. I don't even know how to begin to process it. The thought of going down this rabbit hole scares me so much. However, maybe it's the thought of truly opening up about it, with the possibility of being rejected or my feelings being invalidated, scares me more. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-74583499955649229322020-01-27T20:34:00.004-05:002020-01-27T22:05:39.667-05:00Heartbreak and Healing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
By all accounts I have been living a fairy tale these last 16 months. After unspeakable trauma, I found the absolute love of my life, my soulmate, the person who is truly my other half. Jesse is everything I ever dreamed about finding in my partner. While I have the most amazing, wonderful, brilliant, kind, and compassionate bonus son in Jesse's 10 year old son from his previous marriage, we had wanted to have a baby together.<br />
<br />
Having a child was something I always knew I wanted. I wanted the whole experience of being pregnant and giving birth to my child (with a lot of pain killers, of course!). I have written quite a bit about my son, Gabriel, who I lost to miscarriage. When I met Jesse, I truly believed that this dream would come true. Everything else about our relationship has been like a fairy tale, so why not this. Sure, we have had some hiccups, but even Cinderella had to deal with Lady Tremaine, two bitchy step-sisters, a sadistic cat and a whole lot of bullshit before finding Prince Charming and putting on one hell of a delicate shoe. Even with all that, we didn't see this one coming.<br />
<br />
Since I got my first menstrual period, "Aunt Flo" has been the biggest bitch! From extreme pain, heavy bleeding, back cramping, and even thigh cramping, she brought her nastiest symptoms. By 16 years old I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had the first of 8 surgeries to get rid of it. So when the pain started up again, Jesse and I thought it could be the endometriosis coming back or adhesions from all of the previous surgeries running amuck. However, we started getting concerned when "Aunt Flo's" last visit was 21 days long. I got an emergency appointment with an amazing Ob/Gyn, who sent me for an ultrasound. On December 6th, we found out that I would never be able to have a child. I have 4 huge fibroids that are doing structural damage to my uterus. My uterus is the size of someone who is 14 weeks pregnant, I have a condition that is causing the muscle to bleed, and fill my uterus with blood. In short, I have to have a total hysterectomy, with only a possibility of my ovaries being salvageable.<br />
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On January 9th, I was supposed to be going in and officially saying bon voyage to my uterus and cervix. After we got checked in and were heading into the elevator, Jesse collapsed from a massive pulmonary embolism. He was taken immediately to the emergency room and then to the ICU. Needless to say, my surgery was postponed. Thanks to a team of AMAZING doctors and nurses, and after 5 of the longest days of my life, Jesse is home and doing well. The doctors have said that it will take a few months before he is 100%, but he is on the right track.<br />
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I'm still trying to process what happened. Quite a few tears have been shed so far. What almost happened to the love of my life, my soulmate, my true other half, is something I just can't quite fully wrap my head around yet. Therapy will be involved. When I think about what could have happened, I just cry because I truly can't imagine life without this amazing man, partner, father, and human being by my side to share this crazy life. The thought is too painful to really process, hence the therapy.<br />
<br />
So now, as we get Jesse back to health, we wait for the next hurdle to arrive on March 9th. We both know it will be very emotional since we say goodbye to our dreams of bringing a piece of us into the world. However, he will be there, holding my hand through it all, and that makes me the luckiest woman in the world.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-51833345490385756652019-04-20T00:39:00.001-04:002019-04-20T00:39:41.441-04:00The Home, the Heart, and the Spiritual Reawakening<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
When I started this blog I said I would share the good, the bad and the ugly on this Journey to healing. I shared a whole lot of the bad and the ugly because, well, that's all there really was. I had to work through the bad, the painful, and the often times gut wrenching in order to find the remarkable, the beautiful, and the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, there have been times in which that light seemed like it was attached to a freight train hell bent on my imminent destruction. What person who has gone through hell hasn't had that feeling?<br />
<br />
One of the most difficult things for me to do was realize that the majority of the work I was doing was futile. I spent years trying to get back the person I used to be, the woman I was before being raped. Accepting that the woman I was no longer existed was excruciating. I had to go through a mourning process. I had to learn who I was now, accept the woman I have become, and forgive myself for the things that happened which were out of my control. I had to let go of the blame I placed on myself after each of the rapes. I had to step outside of the shadow of shame that I resided in for far too long. I had to accept that being raped was not my fault. I had to accept that losing Gabriel was not my fault (OK, I am still working on that one a little). I had to come to a place where I understood that I deserved good things in my life and I deserve to be truly loved for who I am. That place in life, the place of peace and contentment, the place of being comfortable in my own skin, is far sweeter than I ever imagined it would be.<br />
<br />
On December 31, 2018, I told you all about Jesse and his amazing 9 year old son. Well, after 8 months together we are still going strong. We are living together and planning the rest of our lives together. I met someone who doesn't try to change me or save me. He doesn't try to beat me down. He doesn't try to make me feel like less than I am in order to feed his ego. He simply wants me to be me. He knows about the rapes and abuse, about Gabriel, PTSD and lupus, and he doesn't judge me for these things. Instead, he embraces me as a survivor and never treats me like I am damaged. So, at first (and, as he would tell you, I still do at times), I immediately thought there must be something wrong with him. There isn't, though. That's just who he is. He is kind, generous with his time and affection, and has the most beautiful spirit and the biggest heart I have ever encountered. He is sweet, wicked smart, hilarious, silly, gentle, and a true calming influence when I am stressed/panicked/or starting to spin out from PTSD. Kissing him makes time stand still and being wrapped up in his arms is my favorite place to be.<br />
<br />
I was terrified before our first date. He was the first person I had even thought about going on a date with in 6 years. From the first moment, though, he made me feel safe, secure and at peace. Sure I was nervous as all get out, but who isn't on a first date. Before meeting him I had checked him out on the Megan's Law website to make sure he wasn't a predator, paid a few dollars for an internet background check, and even checked with a co-worker who knew him to make sure I wasn't walking into a history repeating itself (again) situation. Everything checked out. He really was the good man he portrayed himself to be during our many conversations.<br />
<br />
Everything about our first date was magic. He was having a rough week, so I took him to the Franklin Institute for their massive video game exhibit. As I watched him play video games with a big smile on his adorable face, he asked me what I wanted to play next. I told him that I wasn't really a gamer, I did this all for him. The look on his face was a priceless mix of shock and wonderment. I walked away from that date knowing that I had just met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It took him a little longer to come to that realization.<br />
<br />
The first month and a half had a few bumps in the road. We weren't exclusively seeing each other and he was dating someone else who had little respect for the time he was with me. The time I knew he was seeing her, I was so sick to my stomach I wouldn't be able to eat anything the entire day. Between the stress of that and a wicked throat infection I lost 30 pounds in 3 months. She went away for a week and during that time we spent every possible moment together. That was when things clicked for him. By the end of that month we were exclusively together, I met his parents, his son, and his friends at his synagogue. It was about a month later, as we were all snuggled up together, he said that I would probably think he was crazy, but what would I think about moving in with him. I didn't think he was crazy at all. My heart ached when I wasn't with him and I felt whole when we were together. He felt the exact same way. We are both in our late 30s and didn't feel the need to waste anymore time apart from each other. My only stipulation was that his son was OK with it, which was his stipulation too. Once this amazing little boy gave his blessing, I started moving in.<br />
<br />
There has only been one place I have called home in my life. It was the house I grew up in with my parents and sister. Now, though, I have a whole new perspective on the word "home". While the house I grew up in will always be home, my true home is the one Jesse and I continue to build together each day through our relationship. Home truly is where the heart is. My heart is completely intertwined with his, and his with mine. We are a soft place to land for each other. We are the other's safe haven and refuge. We are the missing piece of the other. We take care of each other through sickness and health, good and bad days, happiness and sadness. We get each other in a way neither of us have ever found before. I never expected to find a love like this in my life after everything I have survived. I didn't expect him.<br />
<br />
One of the biggest things Jesse has done for me is reawaken my spirit. For a very long time I shut down my spiritual side. God and I had some massive issues with each other. Having gone to Catholic school from kindergarten through my senior year in high school I was taught that you do not question God. No matter what happened to you, good or absolutely horrific, it was all a part of God's plan for you. I started calling bullshit on that when I was about 13 years old. A priest who taught my freshman year religion class told our class that death was punishment for sin. I had just lost my godfather to cancer. In my late teens/early 20s, I talked to a friend who was studying to become a priest about the sexual abuse I endured when I was a child. He asked me if I had asked God to make it stop. When I said that I was a child and questioned his logic, he told me that if I had only asked God for help it would have stopped. The first rape hardened me. My dad's death made me furious. The second rape and subsequent loss of Gabriel made me completely shut down. How am I not supposed to question god's motives here? How am I supposed to just accept this as being a part of God's plan for my life? Instead of continuing to beat my head against the proverbial brick wall, I told God to fuck off and shut down my spiritual side completely. Then Jesse brought Judaism back into my life. Remember that while I was raised in Catholic school, my dad was Jewish and I was raised with many of those traditions too.<br />
<br />
After our first date, and knowing what an important part of Jesse's life Judaism is, I started getting daily emails from the website MyJewishLearning.com to learn more. This had a dual benefit: It helped me in my job (I work for an AMAZING Jewish nonprofit social service agency) and it would help me understand Jesse more. When I started asking him questions and told him that I was reading things on the site, he gave me the book <i>Judaism for Dummies</i>. One of the very first things I read was that as Jews we are expected to question God. That one bit of information blew my mind and left me in a puddle of tears. That one sentence put huge cracks in the wall I built up around my spiritual side. The first weekend I went to services with Jesse turned into a very sad and devastating time for the Jewish community: the weekend of October 27, 2018. As we sat in the sanctuary that Saturday morning someone noticed that a township police car had puled into the parking lot. We then found out what had happened in Pittsburgh. Finding out this horrible news surrounded by people who welcomed me, a stranger who was just trying to find out more about Judaism, with wide open arms shattered the wall I had built up. When we got into the car after services I looked at Jesse and thanked him for bringing Judaism back into my life. It was the first time in at least a decade that I truly talked to God, not to mention the first time in about 20 years that religion made sense to me.<br />
<br />
With all of this build up it shouldn't come as a shock that I have made the very personal decision to convert to Judaism. It is a process that takes about a year and requires study, involvement in the synagogue community, and doing my best to live Jewishly. While some may think this decision is being forced upon me by Jesse, this couldn't be further from the truth. Jesse told me that he would support any decision I made, whether I wanted to convert or not. I am doing this purely because it is what I know is right for me. I have found a sense of peace and healing in Judaism that I wasn't sure I would ever find. I will still gather with my family on Christmas because it was never about religion for us, it was always about family and the jolly fat man bringing presents in his sleigh with his reindeer. I still want to have a Christmas tree and collect ornaments that tell the story of the life Jesse and I are building together, just like my parents did. I am so very happy with this profound decision that I have made and I hope you can all support me and celebrate with me.<br />
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<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-7998111062252344022018-12-31T23:46:00.001-05:002018-12-31T23:46:26.940-05:00Goodbye, 2018! Hello, 2019!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
What a year 2018 has been!<br />
What started out as devastating, is ending with the most remarkable four months of my life. This year has brought profound loss, but also amazing, indescribable happiness. I am ringing in 2019 sitting on the couch next to Jesse, the man I can say with 100% certainty is my soulmate and the love of my life, and his amazing 9 year old son. There is nowhere else I would rather be ringing in the new year than right here with my two favorite guys.<br />
I am starting this new year with my heart lovingly, kindly and so gently put back together by Jesse. He knows my past, knows the pain that was consuming me and loves me because he doesn't see the damage done by those that came before him, he sees the strength it took me to survive them. He lets me be 100% myself, my silly, smart, sassy, self. He makes me smile with my whole being. He makes me laugh more than anyone ever has. He has a laugh that is contagious and making him laugh is a challenge I happily take on every single day. When he starts laughing, <i>really</i> laughing, the laugh takes on a life of its own, complete with an evolutionary process. It starts as a full throated belly laugh, evolves into a giggle/snicker/chortle, then goes into a laugh till you cry phase, then ends with a snort laugh. All of this makes me laugh even more, which then makes him laugh, starting the process all over again. Getting this laugh out of him makes my entire day. It makes me feel like I could take a walk in the stars. I feel like it is one thing I can give back to him for everything he has given/continues to give to me. <br />
Jesse has shown me that true love is not painful, degrading, violent or angry. Each day he shows me that love is gentle, kind, extraordinary, beautiful and nurturing. I consider myself so lucky to be loved by this incredible man. He is wicked smart, funny, gentle, passionate, kind, compassionate, sexy, and has the most beautiful heart and spirit I have ever had the privilege to be around. He stole my heart from our first date, and he makes me fall more in love with him each day. He is irresistible to me. It is truly impossible to not love him.<br />
As 2019 is about to be rung in, I can honestly say I am starting this year with a heart full of love, overflowing with joy, and looking forward to what the new year brings. <br />
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I am wishing you all a happy, healthy, and joyous 2019!<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-63396762332525003072018-09-21T20:36:00.002-04:002018-09-21T20:36:35.701-04:00Freedom<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The word "freedom" has many meanings. I'm sure if you asked ten people what that word meant to them you'd get 10 different answers. I always knew what "freedom" meant, but it took until earlier this past month for me to <i>feel</i> what it meant.<br />
<div>
In an earlier posting I discussed that I was molested as a child at the hands of a cousin who lived with my family. Brian stole my childhood. He stole my innocence. He stole a huge chunk of my childhood memories. He tried like hell to destroy my life. A few times he almost succeeded. I wasn't safe in my own home and no one, me included, had any idea. I never told my parents what he was doing to me because I didn't remember what he was doing to me. The mind has a clever way of keeping you safe. When something is too traumatic for you to deal with, the mind will lock it away until something triggers the lock open. That trigger happened in high school. My life began to unravel when I was in high school. </div>
<div>
I had great friends and who knew what was going on and my parents were amazing, but that didn't stop me from turning to self-harm. I cut my arms and leg in places I could hide from everyone. Even though Brian was long gone out of my life, he still controlled it. I still had his voice in my head. <br />
I started developing early. I had A to B cup boobs by the time I was nine or ten years old. Brian would tell me that it was "the best part" of me and they "were his." I once read an article about the actress from the TV show Punky Brewster getting a breast reduction and that was all I wanted. I just wanted to look like the girls my age. Brian told me that if I got a reduction he would "come and get me." Those words scared me and stayed with me. When I was in high school, those words began torturing me. </div>
<div>
When I was in my 20s I finally got the reduction I wanted. The recovery went as bad as it could go. I was hospitalized for a week with a massive infection. The whole time all I had in my head was Brian's voice. I had frequent nightmares of him standing over my hospital bed holding me down by my wrists (which is what he used to do when I was a kid), saying to me, "This is what you get for taking what was mine." </div>
<div>
No matter what I did, no matter how far I thought I moved on, I was still mentally bound. That all changed on August 10th when I found out that Brian is in prison and he may be there for a long time. I don't think I can adequately explain the emotions that came pouring out of me. I started to laugh. The laughter turned into crying. The crying turned to rage. The rage turned to relief. The relief turned into a profound sense of calm. For the first time since I was a child I felt free. I felt the grip he had on me all these years release. That night I fell asleep easily and slept soundly for nine continuous hours for the first time in years. <br />
Waking up to the knowledge that Brian was waking up in prison was liberating. That familiar, underlying feeling of fear that was always lurking in the background of my life was nowhere to be found. I decided that I needed to know more. I wanted to know how it happened. How did karma finally catch up to this monster? Thank God for Google! All I had to do was Google "Brian C-------" and his whole sorted history of drug busts, identity thefts and everything else this epic piece of shit has done came pouring out, including an 11-hour hotel room standoff with police. The best thing I found was an article about a fellow inmate getting an additional charge of assault because, for whatever reason, he punched Brian in the face, breaking his nose. In my humble opinion, the other inmate should get a medal, not an additional charge. <br />
Brian may not be in prison (pending trial, conviction and what will hopefully be a nice long prison sentence) for what he did to and stole from me, but that doesn't change the feelings of happiness, relief and overwhelming freedom that I feel. Karma is a beautiful thing! May she continue to give him exactly what he has put out into the universe. </div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-47217974941373792102018-07-24T09:43:00.003-04:002018-07-24T16:35:39.258-04:00Hello again! It's time to vent<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
have been struggling lately, and by “lately” I mean since January 20,
2017. It seems like there is something new, appalling, despicable and,
well, deplorable, coming out of Washington, D.C. every single day since this
orange nightmare has washed over the United States. I have watched as the
country I love gets systematically dismantled and the Congressional leaders do
nothing to maintain the checks and balances put into place by her
Founders. They have given unchecked power to a man who has the moral and
intellectual capacity of a slug (which is, I realize, extremely offensive to
slugs the world over). He is a corrupt con man who is financially benefiting
from his position of power. It would all be funny if only it wasn’t so
tragic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
haven’t written much since this jackass took office because, in all honesty, I
haven’t had words for it all. Each time I sit down to write, my brain goes into
overdrive, smoke starts coming out of my ears, my anxiety level goes through
the roof and nothing intelligible makes it to the page. It looks more like *&)*&*(^@^%$%$##!))(*#&$@^*&^!%!!!!!!!,
than substance. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To make matters worse,
each day he does something new to make me scream to the heavens, “Dear god,
what the fuck is wrong with him?!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe
my real quandary is how can I possibly keep up with the new bullshit he does on
a daily basis?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Throughout
his presidential campaign, especially after the Access Hollywood tape was
released, I had to stop watching coverage of his campaign, and in some
instances stop watching the news altogether.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have grown up watching the news. I have grown up with this inherent
need to know what is going on in the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My cell phone has more news apps (Washington Post, NPR, CNN, ABC News,
Huffington Post, and a few others) on it than any other app.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me to forego watching or reading the news
goes against everything in my DNA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
the Access Hollywood tape was released, however, his statements started
triggering flashbacks to being raped and sexually harassed and started
triggering PTSD episodes. Never in my wildest dreams did I think watching
coverage of a political campaign would do that to me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it became apparent that election night
was not going to go our way, I began to shake and sob uncontrollably.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized that the next four years were
going to be a free for all attack on women’s rights, especially the right to
determine our own reproductive decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then I did something I have never done; I went to bed before a
presidential election was called.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
couldn’t watch it anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt
scared, sick and completely dejected. If nothing else, this last year and a
half has proven that I had valid reasons to feel this way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
Pussy Grabber-in-Chief has just nominated a second Supreme Court Justice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is trying to stack the deck not only with
people who are interested in overturning Roe v. Wade, but with people who will
side with him should the question of whether he can pardon himself ever come
before the Court. These things terrify me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought I knew what I would do if I was in the situation I found
myself in 6 years ago – pregnant as a result of rape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never thought that I would be able to go
through with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always thought I
would exercise my right to get an abortion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Actually being in that situation, though, was a whole different ball
game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I had decided to carry my
pregnancy to term and keep my son, knowing that abortion was an option made the
panic a bit easier to take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
certainly not something that I would want some backward thinking, male
politician to decide for me, simply because abortion goes against his
beliefs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I miscarried, adding to
the pain of it all was the massive conflict I had ripping through my core
beliefs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to come to terms with the
understanding that, while I don’t believe life begins at conception and
logically I was mourning a collection of cells, on an emotional level I was
mourning the possibilities of Gabriel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was mourning what could have been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
mourning the loss of motherhood, which was something I always thought I wanted,
and on some level still want, just not in the same way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No government should dictate how a woman
cares for her own body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No government
should legislate a women’s reproductive health and rights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a woman gets pregnant, especially through
rape or incest, the option to terminate that pregnancy should be on the
table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you disagree with abortion, it
is your right now to have one. However, please think about this question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would force your daughter, sister,
niece, or granddaughter to go through with a pregnancy if she had been
raped?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Would you force the woman in your life to deal with the trauma of rape every single day while she has to watch her body change in ways that she did not consent to allowing? </span>Trump has made no mistake about
declaring his intentions to stack the Court to overturn Roe v. Wade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If that happens, what’s next, declaring the
birth control pill illegal? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">These
last few months have been heartbreaking, as we have all witnessed, thanks to the
nightly news, children in cages after they were ripped away from their
parents, whose crime was seeking asylum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have witnessed the President
of the United States stand next to Vladimir Putin, turn on the United States and our
intelligence community, all while heaping praise on the brutal Russian dictator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have seen him threaten nuclear war with
North Korea and, most recently, Iran through his late night/early morning tweets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
attacks our most basic freedoms, free speech and the free press, simply because
the media dares to tell the truth about him. We have witnessed him explode like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum because his fragile ego can’t stand even the
slightest bit of criticism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our only
saving grace is that the media is fighting back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are calling him out on his lies and his
motives for the lies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri light" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The Orange Nightmare is becoming more and more erratic and unhinged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He needs to understand that we will not
remain silent as he tries to dismantle this country.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will stand up for our Constitutional
rights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will show him that he is not
a king.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He cannot bully us, nor the rest
of the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will not put up
with being threatened, nor be beaten into submission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We will not sit by as he tries to lay the groundwork for explaining away a Blue Wave in the November mid-terms elections, by shouting on Twitter that Russia is now working for the Democrats. We know that this is only him trying to chum up the waters in case he gets trounced in the mid-terms, so he can make an erroneous case for decertifying the elections. We will not stand by and let him do this. We will take our democracy back! </span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri light", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Our
best course of action to do this is to vote. The mid-term elections in November are
crucial.</span><span style="font-family: "calibri light", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "calibri light", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Everyone who is eligible to do
so must get out to vote!</span><span style="font-family: "calibri light", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: "calibri light", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It takes a few
minutes of your time. We cannot continue on this path without major course
correction. Voting out the Republican Congressional majority in November and
voting out Trump/Pence in November 2020 is the only true way to “Make American
Great Again”.</span></div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-41514589527400734732018-02-08T11:07:00.004-05:002018-03-25T01:23:20.550-04:00February 4, 2018<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Since 2010 the days between February 3rd and February 8th are very difficult. February 3rd is my birthday, and the last true conversation I had with my dad before he died on February 8th. That last conversation was the most amazing gift I could ever be given, but losing my dad was truly one of the hardest blows I've ever been dealt. Needless to say, my birthday is a tremendously bittersweet day. The 5 days after I just try to get through as best I can and as painlessly as possible. This year has been very different though. This year has been different because our hometown (American) Football team, my dad's favorite team, the Philadelphia Eagles were playing in the Super Bowl on February 4th.<br />
<br />
In a house full of women who are more interested in movies, music and musical theatre, the lone man who wants to just sit on a Sunday and watch his favorite team play, what to us was the longest game ever (except golf, of course), generally gets relegated to the not so great TV in his bedroom. If it was an important game, though, us ladies would give up our claim to the "good TV" and let my dad watch it there. He loved watching the Eagles play. He loved to watch them play even when they were losing big. Like every good Philadelphian, they were his team and he bled green.<br />
<br />
I am not going to pretend to be a big sports fan. Sure, I watch the Olympics and cheer for Team USA, especially local athletes. Who doesn't? Football has always been a big ridiculous mystery to us. However, his love for this team ran so deep that my dad took the time and had the patience to teach us about it. He wanted to share his love for the Eagles with me, my mom and my sister, even if we were resistant at first.<br />
<br />
Today, February 8th, is the 8th anniversary of my dad's death. However, today is also the day of the Philadelphia Eagles Championship Parade because, on February 4, 2018, my dad's beloved Eagles won Super Bowl LII! It is a bittersweet day. I am sad because all of the memories of that day 8 years ago, when I lost an enormous piece of my heart, are flooding back. I am elated because our Eagles are Super Bowl champions. I know my dad is smiling down on us and his team today, but I wish he was here watching it with us.<br />
<br />
To all of the Philadelphia Eagles players, thank you for bringing the Lombardi trophy home where it belongs. Even though my dad didn't live to see it, he never stopped believing this day would come. From the bottom of my heart, gentlemen, thank you!<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-70898579901086135472017-09-28T23:46:00.001-04:002017-10-03T20:01:36.542-04:00The End of Radio Silence<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have been silent for the last few months, not because I didn't have anything to say, but because I couldn't find the words to properly articulate the crazy that has been happening all around me.<br />
So much crazy has been going on, in fact, that I have fallen into one of my old habits of bottling things up and shutting down; hence the radio silence.<br />
<br />
PTSD allows you a certain amount of crazy in your day to day surroundings before you break. Over the last 7 months or so, I have reached my crazy threshold by 12:00 p.m. just by keeping up with the news. It seems like every single day I find myself thinking, "Oh, what the fuck did he do now?!" when I get a Breaking News alert. It is either something so horrible that he is eventually going to get us all killed, or it is something so hideous and offensive that I will be triggered for the next few hours at minimum. So, as a survival mechanism, I have been trying to keep my issues boxed away in the attic of my brain so I can just get through these next few years. I haven't written anything on here because that would be opening up this very tightly closed box. There was one thing my "brilliant" plan forgot to factor in: the weight of secrets. I forgot how heavy that box gets when I keep adding more and more into it so I, simply put, don't have to deal with it's contents.<br />
<br />
Now I find myself trying desperately to keep my head above water and, until the other night, no one had a clue. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-89700252658612927362017-02-25T00:42:00.000-05:002017-02-25T00:42:39.252-05:00Dear Global Community<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Dear Global Community,<br />
<br />
The vast majority of us in the United States are watching what Donald Trump is saying, doing and tweeting with horror, disgust and utter disbelief. We witnessed a 77-minute press conference, during which he lashed out at the news media for not writing nice things about him. He doesn't want them to write or broadcast the truth. He simply wants them to say he farts rainbows and burps puppy dogs! His skin is so thin that he can't handle even the tiniest amount of criticism! At the time of this press conference I realized that it had been less than a month since he was inaugurated. Yes, you read that correctly. It hadn't even been a month! As I watched the press conference, I was stunned and concerned. It was like watching someone have a psychotic break on live TV.<br />
<br />
Global Community, we are with you and we hope you are with us. The vast majority of us stand against the insanity that is every piece of the Trump administration. We see that he is, quite literally, mentally ill. He even made up a fake attack in Sweden! We are doing everything in our power to fight for our nation, which will ultimately help you. We are protesting, petitioning, writing, attending town hall meetings, and calling our Representatives and Senators. The problem is our Republican Representatives and Senators are not listening to us. They are more interested in pleasing their big money campaign donors than they are in doing the job to which he or she was elected. <br />
<br />
Today at the Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) conference, Trump continued his assault on the truth. He once again mentioned a fake attack in Sweden, blamed all Muslims for the terror attacks that ISIS sympathizers alone are responsible for, and attacked the news media, calling them "fake news" (his favorite new term), simply because outlets like CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, MSNBC, ABC, CBS and NBC are telling the truth about him. The 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution protects many things we hold dear in this country. Adopted in 1791, it states: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." Mr. Trump is trying to deny both free speech and the freedom of the press to report what is really happening here. This is where we need YOUR help. Please report the truth of what is going on here in your news. Please tell your citizens that we are fighting back against the destructive, hateful administration that has taken over our government! We need your help to spread the truth about Donald Trump and his administration, including Steve Bannon who proudly and openly said at the CPAC convention that each of Trump's cabinet secretaries were picked with the goal of causing the destruction of the department. These people have no qualifications for the post they have been appointed. They have, in some cases, fought against the agency of which they now lead.<br />
<br />
Our nation, a nation that I love, is becoming unrecognizable. We are fighting back against Trump's "Travel Ban" which everyone knows is a poorly cloaked and horrifying ban on Muslims entering the United States. We are fighting back against his despicable deportation squads, who Trump claims are deporting only "bad dudes," are taking single mothers and the Dreamers, those who were brought to America (yes, illegally) as children and through no fault of their own. We are fighting back against the lies, the bullshit and the quite possibly illegal garbage that comes out of the White House each day. We are seeing the lengths to which he and others around him will go to in order to try and suppress truthful information and we are fighting back! We are rising up in every state and shouting that we are not going to roll over and take this. We are rising up to fight for our country, our freedoms, and we are standing together. Global Community, please know that as we fight for our country, we are fighting for you too. #Resist</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-74787424007942641822017-01-29T02:06:00.001-05:002017-03-28T01:41:37.305-04:00We rise! We resist! We fight back!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">On January 20, 2017 we witnessed an egomaniacal jackass, with an admitted history of sexually assaulting women, being sworn in as President of the United States. While his administration was lying about the attendance of his inauguration, millions of women, and the men who support them, took to the streets all across the United States and the world to march for our rights, the rights of our fellow Americans and against Trump. In U.S. cities like, Philadelphia, New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, Denver, and Seattle </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">women protested against this man</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">, and they were joined by women in London, Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, among others. I was unable to be out with them, but I watched from home and was truly inspired. Even the organizers of the march didn't anticipate the number of people who would show up. According to a White House source, the sheer size of the attendance, something which Mr. Trump failed to draw at his inauguration, "enraged" him. There is nothing more destructive to the ego of a shallow, stupid man who thinks he can sexually assault women without consequence than millions of women around the world unified in their complete and utter disgust of him.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">In just his first few days in office, Trump has signed Executive Orders (something that the GOP is apparently ok with now that a old white man is doing it) that have reinstated the "Global Gag Order," announcing that federal dollars cannot go to any international organization that provides abortion services or even gives information about the procedure. He advanced the Keystone XL and the Dakota Access Pipeline, instructed federal agencies to weaken the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare), froze federal government hiring, and froze all regulations in process (but not yet approved). </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Let's not forget the horrible Executive Order he issued on Friday banning people from entering the United States if they are coming from 7 predominantly Muslim nations, making sure to leave out the ones he does business with. Refugees who have already been vetted and were on a plane to the United States when this abhorrent Executive Order was signed, landed in their destination cities only to be detained by immigration or worse, sent back to their war torn nation of origin. Iraqis who aided the US military as interpreters or fixers, who had proper documentation as a reward for risking their lives and the lives of their families to assist the United States, were turned away or detained. Thankfully, the ACLU stepped up and got a federal judge to issue a nationwide stay on the Executive Order. Another federal judge issued a stop to all deportations of these people. It should be said that as a thank you for the ACLU's amazing work they have received more than 290,000 individual donations totaling over $19 million since Saturday morning. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Keep in mind these are just the ones he has signed so far. He is just a week into his 4 year term and he has already waged war on so many of us. He has also waged war on U.S. agencies. He has frozen all grants and contracts for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). He has also instituted a gag order on the EPA, USDA, Department of Transportation, Department of the Interior, and Health and Human Services just to name a few. The employees of these agencies are no longer allowed to make public statements or publish their findings. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">With every Executive Order, stupid comment or Tweet, Trump is weakening the country. He is destroying global confidence in the United States. He is juvenile and completely reckless. He puts no thought into anything he says or does before he acts. He just blindly follows whatever Steve Bannon says, including removing the Director of National Intelligence and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from the National Security Council in favor of Bannon. Together they are destroying all that is good and just in the United States. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">These things are beyond alarming. These things are terrifying as hell. These are the things we must fight! These are things the agencies are already fighting back on, using alternative Twitter handles to get their information out to the public, letting us know what's really happening.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The last time I checked we did not live in Russia. The last time I checked, we still had rights in this country and some of the most important rights in times like these are found in the 1st Amendment of the United States Constitution. This provides us with freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and the right to peaceably assemble. If there is one thing we like to do it is peaceably assemble. Just turn on your TV and see the protests at major airports around the country. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Mr. Trump, in your acceptance speech on Election Night you said you would be a President for all people. So far you are failing miserably. With every word you prove that you are only out for yourself. You sign executive orders that hurt millions of Americans, yet you don't care. You signed an order to move forward with two pipelines and are simply hoping we don't remember that you have a financial stake in the pipeline, or that your pick for Energy Secretary (former Governor Rick Perry) sits on the board one of these pipelines. You don't care who gets hurt so long as it suits your bottom line interests. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;"><span style="background-color: black; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Mr. Trump, you can whine, scream and throw temper tantrums all you want, but you should remember that the whole world is watching, we are paying attention and we will rise up and fight back, just like we have done this weekend to make sure the people being detained were freed. We love this country and we will not let you systematically destroy it. We are a nation of two kinds of people, Mr. Trump: Native Americans and immigrants. Please go back and read the Constitution. Ask someone to explain the big words to you. Once you've done that, resign! </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: purple;"> </span> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-30455014883219762772017-01-19T00:44:00.001-05:002017-01-22T20:57:14.328-05:00January 20, 2017<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
On January 20, 2017 the United States of America will have a new President. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court will administer the Oath of Office to the most divisive, ill prepared, ignorant, bombastic, sexist, racist, narcissistic, pig headed man, who has multiple allegations of sexual assault against him, ever to run for the office. On January 20, 2017 we will witness the beginning of the end of America as we know it. Will I watch the inauguration? No. I don't get a kick out of seeing democracy die, nor do relish the idea of seeing this completely ignorant person, who goes on a Twitter rampage if someone give a restaurant in one of his ridiculously over priced hotels a bad review, be sworn in to sit in the Oval Office and attempt to lead this country. I will stand with Congressman John Lewis and boycott the inauguration of this illegitimate president.<br />
<br />
Trump doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that his word have weight. He doesn't understand that he could start a war because he can't get off Twitter. He is the adult equivalent of a toddler having a temper tantrum multiple times a day. The people he is nominating to his cabinet further proves he does not get it. The majority have no business being in the positions to which they have been offered them. All you have to do is look at his nominee for Secretary of State. Rex Tillerson has extensive ties to Russia. He has absolutely no experience in diplomacy let alone foreign policy. All it takes is one Republican to vote no and his nomination will not make it out of committee. Trump's pick for Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, has such an extensive track record of racism in his past that when he was trying to be confirmed as a federal judge, he was denied the judgeship. He's so bad that, in a historic move, a few of his fellow Senators testified against him. But, hey, let's put him in charge of enforcing the laws of the land! Nothing could go wrong there! Trump's pick for Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, has absolutely no qualifications for the post. She's never even taken out a student loan! She has nothing but disdain for public schools. Christ, she said guns should be in some schools to protect students from Grizzly Bears! This is not a person playing with a full deck. She is rich, entitled, and has no business running the Department of Education.<br />
<br />
The Republicans are telling us that we need to "stop complaining" and give Trump a chance. How can we when each day we are finding out more about Trump's ties to Russia? We are finding out more about how Russia screwed with our election. Russia bought, paid for and installed the son of a bitch! Well, Mr. Trump, we have 3,000,000 votes that say we reject this! This is not how things are done in this country. We do not allow other countries to influence our elections. Trump has made this country the laughing stock of the world. I love my country and I love the Constitution so much that I carry a pocket sized version in my handbag at all times. I will fight in any legal way I can to stop the insanity that is going on.<br />
<br />
On January 20, 2017 the United States of America will have a 45th President. He is a man who will never be my President. I will not acknowledge a man who brags about sexually assaulting women as the President of my country. I will not acknowledge a man who has normalized rape culture in America. I will never acknowledge a man who believes he should be able to take whatever he wants from a woman and we are supposed to say thank you and take it with a smile. I will never acknowledge a man who does everything possible to deny the 1st Amendment, even going so far as to "consider removing the White House Press Corp from the White House." I will never acknowledge this pathetic excuse for a man, this clown, this hack, this Russian "asset" (he even called himself an asset at his ridiculous press conference!), this buffoon as President of the United States of America! <br />
<br />
#Resist<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-6917218931792460532016-11-25T14:55:00.003-05:002016-11-25T14:59:56.672-05:00The Trump Effect<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Over the last few weeks I have been watching the worst of humanity come out of my country's shadows, emboldened by a Trump victory. Hate crimes in this country have risen to epic proportions in the few short weeks since the election. The white nationalists, neo-Nazis and the KKK have declared that Trump's the President that gives them legitimacy. Sadly, they are right. Instead of denouncing these deplorable groups, by name, in the strongest terms possible Trump has taken to Twitter to denounce the cast of "Hamilton" for a respectable message to Mike Pence. Before that it was the protestors who became the focus of his rage. Trump is not a man, he is a child who wants to sit at the grown-ups table, yet he has no idea how to use a fork and knife yet! He throws temper tantrums that would be funny if they weren't so pathetic. He even uses his surrogates to issue stern warnings to anyone who may speak out against him (Bring it on, Trump!). This is the person who is supposed to lead the United States of America?!<br />
<br />
Each day more horrible stories of hate come to light and each one breaks my heart. From swastikas being spray painted on playgrounds to a video of a white nationalist convention at which they are giving the Nazi salute and scream "Heil Trump," one day seems to be worse than the last. Recently, though two stories have just destroyed me. One is that of the shooting death of James Means, a 15-year-old boy from West Virginia at the hands of a racist white man who proudly, and without remorse, admitted to police that he did in fact shoot James. A police detective quoted the man, whose name I will not mention because I do not want to give him any publicity, as saying, "The way I look at it, that's another piece of trash off the street." While the life of this young man meant nothing to the racist monster who murdered him in cold blood, James Means' life meant a great deal to everyone who knew and loved him. James' memory will live on long past the days of the monster who killed him. "James wanted to grow up to be a businessman and open a mechanic shop," according to Obi Henderson, founder of a program called Dream Chasers, which helps "at risk" youth develop career goals.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
The other story is that of Jordan Jackson. Jordan is 8 years-old, a straight A student with a 4.0 GPA. He was hospitalized with a broken humerus and post concussion syndrome after he was beaten on the playground of his school while he was trying to protect his 4 year-old sister. To quote from the GoFundMe page that has been set up by Jordan's uncle, Cris Colbert: </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Nov. 14, Jordan (8yo) was on the playground after school hours at Spanish Lake Primary, along with his 4-year-old sister, J'Niaha, while they waited for Alana to bring them home for the day. An incident broke out between Jordan and another elementary-aged boy - a teacher's child - when the other child is said to have begun throwing mulch at Jordan. Jordan asked the child to stop to no avail. At that point, the other child's 13-year-old brother approached Jordan and pushed him to the ground.</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: inherit;" /><span style="background-color: white;">Jordan walked away from the incident, but returned upon noticing mulch was now being thrown at his sister, J'Niaha, by the younger child under the command of the 13-year-old. A fight broke out between Jordan and the younger child when the 13-year-old again approached Jordan. At this time, a previously un-involved fourth grade student entered the incident saying to Jordan: 'You need to go back to the cotton farm.' </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It is then that Jordan sustained the injuries - a fractured right humerus and what would later be diagnosed as post-concussion syndrome.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">A fifth grade student, who is said to have witnessed the entire account, walked Jordan to the classroom where Jackson was, and informed her of the events. There were no adult witnesses to the event, however surveillance footage is available and is being used by the Ascension Parish Sheriff's Office for their investigation. </span></span></div>
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If you feel so inclined, please go to the GoFundMe page that has been set up for Jordan and donate if you can. <a href="https://www.gofundme.com/medical-fund-for-jordan-jackson" target="_blank">https://www.gofundme.com/medical-fund-for-jordan-jackson</a></div>
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This Trump Effect is frightening and despicable. I fear for my country. As I have told my friends and family, I will stand with them and fight for them until my last breath. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-33921026621108854622016-11-10T03:01:00.001-05:002016-11-10T13:28:37.039-05:00Postmortem - An Open Letter to Donald Trump<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Dear Mr. Trump,<br />
<br />
You won the election. Congratulations. <br />
<br />
I would like to let you know upfront that I did not vote for you. I do not agree with you. In fact, I generally dislike you. These things are rights afforded to me by the Constitution of the United States. I cherish my 1st Amendment rights just as much, if not more so, than your supporters cherish their 2nd Amendment rights. Over the next 4 years, I will exercise my 1st Amendment rights at every possible opportunity.<br />
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During the course of your campaign you made extremely hyperbolic claims about yourself, your wealth, your intelligence, even your genitalia (something that was a true low point for American politics). You blatantly lied at every single press conference and rally. Your lies were to the point that no one really knows if there was anything truthful that came out of your mouth during the last 18 months. Sure, your constituents bought it hook, line and sinker, but the rest of us saw through your lies. When we called you on it, you made ridiculous claims about people being against you, Hillary Clinton's emails or the election being rigged. You did everything possible to distract from the real issue of you not having any knowledge of the real issues. <br />
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You gave legitimacy to the worst elements of our society and the alt-right. These were the people Hillary Clinton was talking about when she discussed the "basket of deplorables." You fostered a level of misogyny and rape culture, through your words, actions and choice of running mate that has honestly left me and many scared to death. You and your campaign have given the LGBT community, Muslim Americans, Jewish Americans, the Latino community, African Americans, the disabled and women a multitude of reasons to be frightened of what your administration will do. <br />
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Now that you have won, my question is simple: Did you mean everything you said in order to get elected? For example:<br />
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Are you going to repeal Obamacare? If so, what about the 20 million of us who got health insurance because of it? What about those of us with medical issues that are considered pre-existing conditions? Are you going to rip the rug out from under all of us?<br />
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Are you going to defund Planned Parenthood, an organization that provides vital healthcare to so many women across the country? Are you going to appoint a Supreme Court justice so staunchly pro-life that there is a chance Roe v. Wade will be overturned if it's ever brought before the Court, effectively setting women's reproductive rights back 40 years? <br />
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Are you going to ban Muslims from entering the country? What about the Muslim citizens of this country, should they make sure they never go on vacation outside of the United States? Are you going to order police departments across the nation to investigate every person of the Muslim faith? What about the Muslim Americans who honorably serve their country? Do you even realize that you are spitting in their faces and on the graves of those who gave their lives for us?<br />
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How will you handle the White House Press Core or the media at large? Will you do what you did during the campaign and harass them, call them names, or revoke their credentials if they write or air a story you don't like? Will you take away their 1st Amendment rights?<br />
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Are you going to have a "deportation force" charged with the mass deportation of undocumented immigrants? Are you honestly going to rip families apart? If so, how can you sleep at night?<br />
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Are you seriously going to build a wall between the United States and Mexico? Do you honestly believe Mexico will pay for it? I would like to let you know right now that I do not want a single penny of my tax dollars going towards it.<br />
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The office of the President is supposed to respected, but respect must be earned, Mr. Trump. Over the last 18 months, you have done nothing to earn the respect of at least 59,755,284 Americans. You have done nothing to earn my respect and, to be very honest, I am not sure that you could ever do enough to undo the damage you have done to earn it. <br />
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Tonight there have been protests in major cities across America due to the outrage of you winning this election. I am proud to say that my city was one of them. People protested because the man you have shown yourself to be is not someone who deserves our respect. The man you have shown yourself to be over these 18 long months is not someone who deserves to lead this nation. The man you have shown yourself to be is, to be very blunt, a con artist, a pathological liar, a misogynist, a racist, a homophobe, and a dim-witted buffoon. You have shown an unbelievable lack of knowledge about the Constitution, as well as the basic issues and laws of this nation. You have pledged to overturn every "unconstitutional" executive order President Obama signed. Can you honestly not grasp the fact that President Obama is a Constitutional scholar and former Constitution law professor? What exactly do you think he did that was unconstitutional?<br />
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Mr. Trump, you have a lot of work to do in order to heal the chasm that you and your campaign have created in this country. You must work for all Americans, not simply the ones you pandered to during the seemingly endless campaign. You have a plethora of fences to be mended, and I am honestly not sure if you are capable of doing so. I currently have no faith in you, your running mate or your team. I believe that you will continue to create discord in this nation. I know that this is a very negative view. I understand that I need to keep an open mind about you, but in my heart I simply don't trust you in any way, shape or form. I hope and pray that I am wrong. For the country that I love, I hope and pray that you will surprise me. I hope and pray that you will truly be a president for all Americans, but you have very big shoes to fill. <br />
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If I could give you some advice as you prepare to take office, it would be to offer a sincere and heartfelt apology to all of the Americans you have railed against, insulted, demeaned, degraded, demonized and attacked over the course of your campaign. I know you believe that you are never wrong, but over the last 18 months you have been wrong every single day. You are not infallible, and the sooner you understand that the better. You must understand that your words now carry tremendous weight; choose them very carefully. There is no room for error here. There is no room for rhetoric, vitriol or hyperbole any longer. We are a vast nation with citizens of every race, religion, gender identity and sexual orientation. As of January 20, 2017, you are our representative to the world, for better or worse. As a nation, we rise and we fall on your shoulders. You must understand this, internalize and accept this. The sooner you do this the sooner you have the chance of gaining our respect and the respect of the world. <br />
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We will be watching you very closely, Mr. Trump. Please rise to the occasion. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-40570045333926878342016-10-31T00:24:00.001-04:002016-10-31T00:24:53.308-04:00We Cannot Let This Happen!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Here in the United States we are just days away from election day. On November 8th we will be deciding whether to elect the first female President of these United States (something that is long overdue, since men, with very few exceptions, have been fucking things up since the dawn of the Republic) or are we going to elect a tangerine nightmare of a lunatic with the maturity of a toddler, the ethics of Bernie Madoff, and is, at best, a racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, Islamophobic, xenophobic, pathetic excuse of a man and is, at worst, a racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, Islamophobic, xenophobic, pathetic excuse of a man who is also a sexual predator who would rather destabilize the very foundation of our democracy than concede he lost the election. In short, it is a choice between former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. People around the world are looking in at my country and wondering if we are all either a.) insane; b.) trying to pull off the biggest prank on the global community that has ever been attempted; c.) trying to bring on a nuclear war; d.) we are gluttons for punishment and are determined to bring the rest of the world with us as we speed down a Slip N Slide that is going straight to hell; or e.) all of the above. <br />
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I would like to attempt to reassure the global community that we, the sane citizens of the United States of America, are doing everything in our power to elect Hillary Clinton as our President. We know the stakes of this election are as high as they have ever been, both for the global community, who would have to be on constant alert that a President Trump (dear Christ, please don't allow that to become reality!) would get pissed off over a tweet and immediately want to take us to nuclear war, and for the United States herself who would see, by his own omission, the destruction of everything we know our democracy, freedoms and our country to be. We realize the immense gravity of the situation and are not taking it lightly. As of today's national ABC news polling data, Hillary Clinton has a 12 point lead over Trump. This is great news, but I assure you that no one is getting overly confident. Anything can happy on election day.<br />
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For me, defeating Donald Trump is personal. This is a man, and I use that word implying the loosest definition imaginable who has bragged about sexually assaulting women, explaining he can get away with "grabbing them [women] by the pussy" simply because he's a celebrity. He objectifies, demeans, insults, and forces himself on women because it is fun for him. Anyone that will brag about sexually assaulting women and then try to pass it off as "locker room talk" is, to me, a complete scumbag who is not only a waste of space on this planet, but a waste of oxygen. He certainly isn't someone who deserve to be President of the United States. That's right, Trump, you are an asshole who is a waste of space and oxygen! Are you going to sue me now? If so, bring it on! You would have to prove in court that you are not a scumbag, asshole, waste of space and oxygen, so good luck with that.<br />
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Trump's choice in Vice President is also a disaster. Mike Pence is a man who is so anti-abortion that he will force women in the state of Indiana to collect the matter that a woman's body expels during a miscarriage and have a damn funeral for it. If you don't you face prosecution and up to 11 years in prison. Pence alone will set women's rights back 50 years. This is a man who is also in favor of conversion therapy to try and use electric shocks to "cure" the LGBT community of the disease of homosexuality. This is a barbaric practice that 1.) doesn't work, because there is no disease, and 2.) is something that would constitute cruel and unusual punishment. He is as despicable as Trump himself!<br />
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The other completely disqualifying thing to me is Trump's treatment of Muslim Americans and Syrian refugees. To insinuate, and flat out say, that all Muslims are terrorists is not only completely wrong, it is a truly despicable generalization. Trump proposed a ban on all Muslims from entering the United States until we "get this thing figured out." What the fuck?! This country was founded on the basis of religious freedom, not, as some on the right say, Christianity! We were founded by those who wanted the freedom to practice their religion without threat of persecution by the government.<br />
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Trump's rhetoric and rise to power among his followers is frighteningly reminiscent of Hitler's rise to power in Germany. It is appalling, despicable and terrifying. He is endorsed by the KKK, Neo-Nazi groups, White Nationalists and the list goes on. All of this country's most deplorable hate groups are falling in line behind Donald Trump and we cannot allow this to happen in our country and we cannot allow this to happen to the global community. Under a Trump/Pence administration it would be open season on everyone who is not like them. The LGBTQ community: Gone! Muslim Americans: Gone! Refugees: Gone! Everything that makes the United States of America what it is today: Gone!<br />
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WE CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN!</div>
#ImWithHer</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-5675312274503450622016-10-11T00:32:00.000-04:002016-10-11T00:32:08.859-04:0028 Days Left until Election Day 2016 (Also known as The Countdown to Either a Great Day in Our History or the End of the World as We Know It)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
If you live outside of the United States, and are paying any attention to our Presidential election campaigns, you may be thinking, "What the fuck is wrong with them over there?" or "They aren't <i>really</i> going to elect Donald Trump, are they?" You may be looking in on us and feel terrified that Donald Trump, an intentionally tangerine colored man with an IQ lower than that of an amoeba, may be close to having the nuclear codes. You may listen to Trump and think, "Wow! He can't tell the truth to save his soul. He can't take any kind of criticism. He acts like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum from hell. He brags about the ways in which he sexually assaults women. He conveniently has a selective memory when it comes to his own words or actions even when there is documentation that he said/did these things. Dear God, those crazy Americans can't be <i>that</i> crazy!" <br />
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I would like to assure anyone who is reading this that we, the Americans who know that a Donald Trump presidency would be tantamount to setting off every single nuclear weapon the USA has in its arsenal all at the same time, are working very hard to make sure he is not elected. We know he is not qualified to have a paper route, let alone to be our President. We know he is erratic at best, and at worst a toddler who has lost his mind while having a temper tantrum that has turned him into a complete fucking maniac and is now in desperate need of a time out/a nap/a pacifier/a lobotomy (please take your pick). We know that he has brought out the very worst of the American populous. We, unfortunately, see them become more emboldened each day. We agree with Secretary Clinton when she said that this despicable fringe element of our society belong in a basket of deplorables. These people that she was talking about are known here as the "alt-right" and are the racists, Islamophobics, xenophobics, homophobics, transphobics and the ultra religious right who wants women's rights to go back to the 1950s. They are just about every group that makes up the <a href="https://www.splcenter.org/" target="_blank">Southern Poverty Law Center's</a> HateWatch Map. These are the "deplorables" that she was speaking about. <br />
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The majority of Americans are inclusive, welcoming, and are generally good human beings. We don't want Trump. We don't want his wall. We don't think the way he does. We don't want to ban Muslims from entering the United States. We don't think that describing in detail how he sexually assaulted women is simply "locker room banter." We don't want to shove our beliefs down your throat. We want to help refugees. We want to get along with other nations because we know that we are all in this together. We don't want this pathetic excuse of a man to speak for this nation and we are doing everything we legally can to make sure we elect Secretary Clinton. If we should lose in this election, if god forbid Donald Trump is elected, please be understanding, kind and welcoming to us, because a great many of us may be moving to places you live, like Canada, Ireland, and any other nation with a fairly easy immigration policy, rather than living under a Trump dictatorship.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-65175616896072049492016-09-29T21:01:00.000-04:002016-09-29T21:01:03.956-04:00The Bad with the Good<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b><u>The Bad</u></b><br />
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The last few weeks have been a bit crazy. I will be having surgery, hopefully sooner than later, that will, hopefully, once and for all, get rid of this chronic breast infection that has ruled my life for the last five years. The surgery is terrifying to me, but at this point it is completely necessary. I have been a lot sicker than I have let pretty much everyone know and I can't take it anymore. So, I will be getting an MRI done on Friday, remain on a strong antibiotic, and based on the results of the test, the surgical plan will be set up. It will either be a smaller surgery than expected to try and clean out the infected tissue and then possible do the larger surgery a bit later, or if the MRI gives the doctors the info the need and it all looks good, they will go ahead and do the bigger surgery. Neither course of action makes me happy because I hate surgery. <br />
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Surgery causes a massive autoimmune flare, during which, as I experienced in past surgeries, leave me in so much pain that I can barely move, having trouble regulating my body temperature, and running high fevers. In short, I am incredibly useless during a massive autoimmune flare. I should be getting used to it though. Because of the infection my immune system has been on constant attack high alert. While it is trying to attack the infection, it is, unfortunately, also attacking my muscles and joints. I am not going to sugar coat it: It fucking sucks! So in my house, since we all have the same autoimmune issues, we try to have fun as much as we possibly can. For instance last week was National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Krispy Kreme doughnut shops had a promotion that if you came to the shop dressed like a pirate you got a free dozen doughnuts. So what did I do? I got up at the ass crack of dawn, dressed up like a pirate and got some free doughnuts! So, instead of a traditional pain scale that you see in hospitals (You've probably seen them. They are the smiley face pain scales that get really annoying.), we use this fun new pain scale. With the new and improved pain scale as a guide, the pain that this persistent breast infection has been causing is, on a good day, a "6 - BEES!", and on a really bad day I only wish it was a "9 - Mauled by a bear or ninjas." When it gets this bad, when medication doesn't even touch the pain, all I can do is cry or sometimes scream. This is why I gave my doctor permission to operate and to do whatever he has to do in order to make this go away. I am terrified of it, but it is necessary at this point.<br />
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<b><u>The Good</u></b></div>
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Something amazing that happened during these crazy few weeks. Everyone who knows me well knows that I love Broadway shows. I have been truly obsessed with "Hamilton." Lin-Manuel Miranda is a genius and he is, without a doubt, my creative hero. There is a song in the show called "It's Quiet Uptown" and it talks about how the Hamiltons tried to heal after the death of their beloved son. The first time I heard the song I was driving home from work. I began crying so hard that I had to pull my car over. It brought back all of the emotions of my miscarriage and I simply could stop the tears. After it was over, I played it again, then again, and again. I played the song about 10 times and cried each time. I listened to the song every chance I got because it was starting to help me heal. It was the only thing that really helped and I am incredibly grateful.</div>
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For helping me, even though he had no idea who I was, I wanted to thank him and the cast for helping me heal a bit and asked if I could photograph the set because I think it is beautiful. I sent them months ago and forgot about them. I just hoped that he got them so they would know that their work and his amazing music made a difference in my life. Last week I got my mail and there was a card addressed from the Richard Rodgers Theatre and my name and address was handwritten. I freely admit I began to freak out before I even opened this. When I opened it, I saw a note with a handwritten note telling me that I am talented, then signed by Lin-Manuel Miranda. I started shaking, crying and smiling ear to ear all at once. My creative hero thinks I am a talented photographer! I am still trying to wrap my mind around that one. So I did what any normal person would do with a card that important: I framed it and it is now hanging on my wall over my desk.</div>
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Here it is (For the record, I did not ask him for a job, I just asked if I could photograph the set.):</div>
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<b><u>The Conclusion</u></b></div>
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I am still trying to wrap my mind around all of this, both good and bad. I have had every possible emotion running through my head. I'm scared of what is to come, and the uncertainty of what that will actually entail. I am incredibly grateful that I have an amazing support system to lean on (Mom, Catie, Beth, Dan, Danielle, Anne Margaret, Marianne, Aunt Maggie, Kory, RJ, Kate, Ben, Nicole, Latika etc.). The rest is up to me. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-20124579790256009902016-09-02T00:08:00.003-04:002016-09-02T00:08:49.076-04:00A Realization and a Step Forward<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I came to a realization very late the other night. To most of you it will sound silly, ridiculous even, but for me it is huge. <br />
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I used to wear clothes that let my personality shine through. I wore clothes that fit my body perfectly and showed off my curves. After the first rape I started to wear clothes dark enough and baggy enough that I went unnoticed. I spent years simply trying to blend into the background. Once I got my legs under me again, I started dressing in clothes that made me feel OK. Not great, just OK. Then the second rape happened, followed by the miscarriage, and I just gave up. I wear baggy clothes that are pretty, but don't make me feel like me.<br />
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The other night, I started scrolling through this clothing site that I got a shirt from back in March. It was the first thing that I put on in years that made me feel beautiful and sexy and like me. I was just looking through the shirts and soon found myself adding items to a wishlist that made me feel like my fun, flirty, beautiful self; the self I haven't known in years. I started wanting to wear clothes that fit me again. I got this overwhelming need to stop hiding my body, curves and all, underneath shirts, jeans and dress trousers that are a few sizes too big. <br />
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This may sound incredibly silly, but this is a huge realization for me and it marks the first step forward I've had in a long time. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to walk tall. I want to dress like me again. Now I just need to start buying new clothes. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-21216029487680262122016-07-27T21:34:00.000-04:002016-07-27T21:34:48.469-04:00What a Wonderful World<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sometimes you get to be a part of something so beautiful, so amazing, that it changes your perspective on life and love. It awakens the part of your heart that makes it want to allow the possibility of finding love back into your life. About a week ago, I got to be a part of something this extraordinary. On July 16, 2016, I was witness to the renewal of marriage vows between my best friend/sister, Catie, and her amazing wife, Beth. <br />
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Catie is not my sister by blood. She is my sister, though, by an extraordinary friendship. We became fast friends through an almost instant connection, like kindred spirits. I joke that we were separated at birth, albeit 7 years apart. Blood relationships don't always keep, so you create your family from those closest to you. In this respect, Catie is my sister in every possible way that matters most. <br />
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Beth is truly a wonderful person. She is Catie's perfect compliment. Her spirit is bright and her heart is enormous. We bonded over our mutual autoimmune disease/bitch from hell called fibromyalgia. Beth gets what it is like to live each day not knowing what your body will decide to do, and you have no control over it. Beth is my first friend who understands that if I am not up to doing something it isn't because I don't care or I am lazy. It's because my body won't let me. I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it is to have a friend who gets it!<br />
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Seeing Beth and Catie together is bearing witness to a pair souls that have finally found their match. The love between them is palpable. It permeates their home. You feel it from the moment you walk through their front door. To be around them is to experience a love as beautiful and as true as they are. All of us present at their vow renewal were enveloped in the warmth of their glow. We knew we were watching something extraordinary. <br />
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The house was full of love that day. We were all there to witness the commitment of two hearts, joined together in pure and selfless love. They have faced adversity, but soldier on together because their love is beautiful, unconditional, and true. They soldier on because life together, even in the face of a whole lot of stupid that is spouting an unending supply of ugly, is infinitely more wonderful than any life apart would be. We all gathered to pledge our love in support of theirs. Being there was a privilege beyond words. Being in a room full of love, kindness and unconditional acceptance was a unique experience on the level of which I have never experienced. There was only one thing that could have been worthy enough to close out this amazing day. We joked about it, but knew the chances of something like this happening was astronomical. Then as most of the guests were leaving, Beth opened the door and yelled for me to get my camera. Why? Because what we had joked about had actually happened: There was a rainbow.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzdkSramLTxKELlF-f04irI7cNgmRBR7h3_oJZD60OghwySn6Sr2yVcZ0H9IGpH_JBZl1zO9jZuqONA5cyeAfdNwLkBUmFGDAXjMuQglM_s3tXLvBkJPT7c7wjvYWFLuUq5ghM0iiZQJaH/s1600/20160716_080855.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzdkSramLTxKELlF-f04irI7cNgmRBR7h3_oJZD60OghwySn6Sr2yVcZ0H9IGpH_JBZl1zO9jZuqONA5cyeAfdNwLkBUmFGDAXjMuQglM_s3tXLvBkJPT7c7wjvYWFLuUq5ghM0iiZQJaH/s320/20160716_080855.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
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Beth and Catie, I love you both so very much. Thank you for showing me what is possible. Thank you for embracing me as your sister. It is an honor and privilege.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-58610512329640338062016-06-22T02:02:00.000-04:002016-06-22T02:02:09.036-04:00Dear Emily Doe - An Open Letter to the Survivor of the Stanford Rapist<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Dear Emily Doe,<br />
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I don't know, yet I am you. I did not survive your experience, but I survived my own horrific morning 16 years ago and another horrific night 3 and a half years ago. I don't know what it is like to be you or to live inside your forever changed mind, but I know what it is like to be terrified of your own thoughts and body. I know what it feels like to live in a skin you desperately need to take off because it feels dirty and just plain wrong.<br />
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Emily, that horrible night you became part of a club that every woman prays she will never join. You joined a club whose membership was violently forced upon you. You joined a club in which each member is a statistic. Yet, in joining this terrible club you earned a new label: Survivor. While membership in this club is the loneliest experience in the world, please know, Emily, that you are far from alone. You are a part of a group of the strongest women in the world. We are women who have experienced the worst of humanity and have lived to tell about it. We stand together, united forever by a common experience. We stand together in support of you as your sisters.<br />
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You may feel like no one on the planet knows what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. You may feel like you are barely existing from day to day, with some days barely being able to face the world. I am here to tell you that it is OK to feel that way. However you are feeling is OK and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. If you need to scream, scream. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to rage, rage. There is nothing that you are feeling that could ever be considered wrong. <br />
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I want to thank you, Emily, for doing what I was not strong enough to do. You stood up in court and held him accountable. Even though the judge failed in his sentencing duties, you were brave and mighty! Your statement was one of the courageous things I have ever read. In that statement, you spoke for me and the countless others who, for whatever reason, didn't feel we could press charges. You stood for all of us and you were fierce! <br />
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After reading your statement I know that you have everything within you to fight for yourself and come out on the other side of this nightmare. It is not an easy process. It is long, dark and painful, but I promise you that there is light. There will be days when even breathing is an effort, but then there will be days that you find yourself going hours without it even entering your mind. You will learn how to cope with triggers. You will learn what helps you cope with the bad days. Throughout all of this, don't forget to celebrate the good days, the beautiful moments and wonderful things in your life. That is the most important thing, Emily. Don't allow him to take away the all of the good that is in your life. He doesn't have the right to take anything else from you. Every day that you decide to fight weakens him. The power is yours, Emily. All you have to do is take it. <br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-4368492731375319582016-06-13T16:37:00.001-04:002016-06-15T13:18:45.305-04:00Orlando<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My heart hurts. I wish I could write something beautiful and eloquent to explain what it feels like to know that my LGBT friends and family are terrified and there is nothing I can do about it. I keep trying to find the right words, but I can't find them. So I am simply going to use the words of another:<span style="color: #181818;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"> </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #181818; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #4c1130; font-family: inherit; line-height: 21px;"><b>"Hope will never be silent." - Harvey Milk</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 21px;">The victims of this senseless tragedy are numerous, but each person's name and life deserves to be known better than that of the monster who did the taking.</span><span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: 0.9px; line-height: 27px; text-transform: uppercase;"><span style="color: #e6e6e6; font-family: "cnn" , "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , "utkal" , sans-serif;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 18px; letter-spacing: 0.9px; line-height: 27px; text-transform: uppercase;"><span style="color: #e6e6e6;"><span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2016/06/us/orlando-attack-victims/" target="_blank">Click here to learn about and remember the victims.</a></span></span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivc3X-qwtKgMmETrSMUQTej3uHMaMZSJT4txd82s23Opcmvei7_lIEP3qKfuOjX5dZAXmZn4SdPzrV1pT8e3QwtUxtuyCGAhSRmFeM-8881QvPDTI54cYvkuWD8wZBw4ktXWF6Ypl-39yr/s1600/100_2652.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivc3X-qwtKgMmETrSMUQTej3uHMaMZSJT4txd82s23Opcmvei7_lIEP3qKfuOjX5dZAXmZn4SdPzrV1pT8e3QwtUxtuyCGAhSRmFeM-8881QvPDTI54cYvkuWD8wZBw4ktXWF6Ypl-39yr/s320/100_2652.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">("Gabriel" by SoulArtPhotography)</span></div>
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There is a GoFundMe page set up by Florida Equality to help the victims and their families. Here is the link: <a href="https://www.gofundme.com/PulseVictimsFund" target="_blank">https://www.gofundme.com/PulseVictimsFund</a></div>
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The above photo "Gabriel" is an original work from my own collection of photos. If anyone would like a print, I will be charging $26.00. $16.00 of the total cost will go toward printing and shipping the 8x10 photo, the remaining $10.00 will be donated directly to this fund in your name and the name of SoulArtPhotography. If you are interested in this please send me a message here. </div>
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I feel helpless and this is the only thing I can think of doing to help. </div>
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FRANK HERNANDEZ</div>
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PAUL TERRELL HENRY</div>
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ANTONIO DAVON BROWN</div>
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CHRISTOPHER JOSEPH SANFELIZ</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-9765046527313711202016-04-26T01:44:00.001-04:002016-04-26T01:44:51.445-04:00Dearly Beloved<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: purple;">The world is full of talented people, artists whose talent resonates with people around the world. Their art touches you in ways you never knew a work of art could. It speaks to depths of your soul. It makes your heart beat along with its melody. Its colors explode into your spirit, ricocheting off each surface within you in an overwhelming and violent collision of beauty that fills you up completely. Such is the power of the art Prince created. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple;">Prince turned a chord into poetry. He made exquisite art each time he picked up a guitar, sat down at the piano, or picked up one of the other 20+ instruments he knew and started to play. He was a genius in the purest sense of the word. He created the most extraordinary music and was happy to share it all with his fans. </span><br />
<span style="color: purple;">Prince was not the typical celebrity. He didn't need the spotlight to make him happy. He wasn't obsessed with self promotion. Even when he played the Super Bowl Halftime Show, the ultimate performance on the biggest global stage, he played a few of his songs and then played covers. He could have been a diva that night and demanded changes to the set or decided not to play at all because it was pouring rain. Instead, when he was asked if he was still OK to play in the rain he responded by asking if they could make it rain harder. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;">Prince achieved the status of icon. It is a label that is overused nowadays. It is used for people who have done nothing to earn it. Prince, on the other hand, has earned it. He has proven time and again that he was the real deal. He rocked the world and cloaked it all in purple. The world is a little less beautiful now that he is gone, but his legacy will live on through his music. It is his everlasting gift to the world. Making sure his memory and music lives on is our gift to him. </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;">Rest in peace, sweet Prince.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-79893425246791240692016-03-25T15:07:00.003-04:002016-03-26T19:42:31.464-04:00I Stand with Brussels<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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When the worst of humanity attacks, the best of humanity is revealed. This is why terrorists will never win.</div>
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I stand with Brussels.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-1615050039337536252016-03-21T01:03:00.000-04:002016-03-21T01:03:54.686-04:00Bittersweet Dreams<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I had a fitful night’s sleep. I kept waking up, turning my light on and looking for people that I was talking to in my dreams: Gram, Papa, and you, my dearest Gabriel. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I saw you as clear as day. Your wavy black hair, warmly colored skin, your big brown doe eyes, your bright smile and your giggles all made me want to hold on to you with every bit of energy I had within me. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and you were mine. For those brief moments, you were my baby boy. I got to see you, hold you, and wish that I could live in that moment forever. I don’t know if it was a dream, or if you were coming to visit me so I could see both that you were doing ok and what a beautiful little boy my baby was growing into without me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In this dream, Gram brought you to me. I watched you hold her hand as you walked toward me. I saw her bend down to your ear, whisper something and point to me. Then you took off running to me. You were wearing black corduroy pants, an olive green shirt, and blue and red canvas sneakers; dark colors, of course, you’re my son after all! You were laughing as I chased you around the house. When I finally caught up to you, I heard the most beautiful word, the one that I never thought I would </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ever</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> have the chance to hear you say. You called me “Mommy.” You hugged me and called me “Mommy.” I wish I could live in that dream, that beautiful space, with you forever. That space, those moments with you, were perfect. It was one of the most precious moments in my life, and I wish every minute that it was my reality. I woke up in that moment, the smell of your skin still lingering in my nostrils, the feel you still in my arms, and I turned my light on and tore my bedroom apart looking for you. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Every year, each day that gets closer to July has always made me wonder what you would look like, feel like, sound like, even smell like. You have given me the beautiful gift of knowing all of those things. Waking up was one of my harshest moments of my reality. Every time I fall asleep, I hope that you will visit me. I would give anything in the world for just a few more moments with you, my darling Gabriel. I want to celebrate your third birthday with you. I want to show you the world. I want to teach you all of the things that my parents taught me. I want to show you all of the beauty that is in this life, but I think you may already know more beauty than I could ever show you. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Now that I have seen you, my sweet boy, I want to be with you always. I hear a song each day, from the Broadway Cast Recording of Hamilton that reads in part, “If I could spare his life; If I could trade his life for mine; He’d be standing here right now,” and it rings true. I would give anything in this world, including my life, for you to have lived, for me to have felt you growing inside me and have heard your first cry. Even if I died the moment after, it would have been worth it, because you would have been alive. I want you to know that even though you were conceived through rape, I loved you and wanted you. Losing you has truly been, “a suffering too terrible to name.” It has been an unimaginable pain that just lingers and recedes from time to time, but never goes away. In those moments, in the moments when the pain is all consuming, it does feel “easier to just swim down,” because the grief, the pain, is unimaginable to anyone who has never felt it. I keep swimming up, though, because I know you would want me to. I keep swimming up because I made the decision on my 36th birthday to live my life, from that moment forward, as if you were watching me. I know now that you are watching me because you told me. You said, “I love you, Mommy. Don’t give up.” I won’t give up, baby. I will fight every single day to live my life to the fullest and make you proud of me.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I love you, my sweet baby Gabriel. </span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3773522034459027373.post-82647596873328705662016-02-19T16:31:00.002-05:002016-02-19T16:32:16.312-05:0036<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">Two weeks ago, I turned 36 years old. That means 40 is fast approaching. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">I have spent a lot of the last few years allowing fear dictate my life. I have let my past rule my present. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">I decided that I have given enough of my life to allowing crappy people, and the things they did to me, keep me in a dark place. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">I can't allow myself to remain in a place of constant sadness because of the pieces of myself that I have lost. I have come to the understanding that the remainder of my life is worth fighting for again. I need to embrace it instead of fear it. I need to live it like my son is watching. If I am ever going to do something, then now is the time. So, here's to saving for photography trips (Alaska, Iceland and the UK, I am looking at you!), venturing out into the world, and being unapologetic for being myself! Here's to drinking more wine, eating more chocolate and loving my body, curvy imperfections and all! Here's to fighting for the life I was meant to live and drop kicking anything that gets in my way! Here's to fighting my way back to the land of the living and telling fear to fuck off! Here's to being happy and to that amazing, all consuming joy of loving the life you live! Most importantly, here's to all of the amazing people who are (whether you know it or not) going to help me along the way, as I am sure many pep talks will be needed! Here's to 36!</span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0