October 2001

I had a wonderful, yet exhausting session with Bonita on Thursday night.  Another key was turned and another lock was opened.

I realized that the pain and trauma from the rape was not the only thing I buried for survival’s sake.  Every traumatic thing, of which there have been many, that has happened was buried and locked away.  I visualize it like a group of nesting boxes, each one holding a secret and, in my case, each one with its own lock and key.   

During this session, we opened the box that encapsulated October 2001.  This month would come to be known as the worst month of my life.   This was the month of my grandmother’s death and the beginning of my mom’s coma.  After Gram died, everyone got to go home and grieve her loss…everyone except my dad, my sister and me.  We would be at the hospital sitting vigil at my mom’s bedside praying she would open her eyes.  We did this every day for 6 weeks.  I didn't allow myself to fully grieve Gram’s loss partly because I knew I would not survive if I had to turn around and grieve my mom and because I blamed myself for Gram’s death. 

I knew how to do energy work.  I don’t know how I was able to do it, I just could.  I would practice energy work on Gram when she was in the hospital, then I would go to my mom’s hospital room and work on her as well.   After I would work on Gram, she would rally and the next day would be a good day.   The only problem was I didn't know how to or the importance of grounding myself while doing this and I was getting very sick and weak from it all.  I could no longer work on the both of them.  I had to choose and I chose my mom.  Within a few days, Gram died.  A few days later my mom slipped into a coma.  My mom would wake up from her coma six weeks later and go on to fully recover, but I carried an overwhelming and powerful sense of guilt with me for a long time.  It was my job to make sure Gram was ok when my mom was sick.  I was supposed to keep everything together and keep her going.  Instead, I made a choice, my mom over Gram, and I blamed myself for it every minute of every day.

In February 2006 a friend took me to a psychic medium for my birthday.   The medium was able to connect with my grandmother.  I know that many people do not believe in mediums and that’s ok.  For me, I was never sure until I went to see this woman.  Gram and I would sit in her bedroom at night and talk, watch the news and just enjoy each other’s company.  We would talk about anything and everything.  It was my favorite time of day.  When it was just the two of us Gram would call me, “my dear.” She ever used this term with anyone else around, and it was something that I never shared with anyone.  When the medium got in touch with Gram, she called me “my dear.”  During that session with the medium I was able to ask Gram if she forgave me.  Without me having to say another word she said, “My dear, there is nothing to forgive.  You made the choice that I wanted you to make.  There is nothing to forgive.”  In an instant, the guilt that had been tormenting me for 5 long years was gone.  I felt like I could take a deep breath for the first time in years. 

Unlocking the box that housed this pain was like finally being able to take a deep breath again.  Even though the guilt was gone, the grief over losing her was still present.  I locked it away out of fear.  I felt like I needed to be strong to just make it through each day, and each day that went by made it harder to go back to that grief in order to deal with it fully.  With Bonita, I am slowly being able to do this.  Each step is methodical and is leading me to the ultimate goal of reclaiming my life.  This is a painful, yet necessary process, with the only way to deal with it being to go through it.   I guess I never realized just how much I locked away and how far I really do have to go on this journey.