The last month or so has been challenging to say the least. I have been battling a few health issues and a few PTSD flashback /panic attack episodes, one of which was witnessed by my mom and it was pretty bad. The episodes have come on quickly and, as in the case of the most recent one, without any warning. One of the things that I am trying to do, either during an episode, or in the aftermath, is to write as much down as I can about it. I am doing this in the hopes that I will be able to work with Bonita and gain a better understanding of the triggers, better ways to cope and fight back against PTSD. Unfortunately, I have had some health issues that have been keeping me from getting to Bonita’s office for a while, but I look forward to getting back to work with her.
Tonight I got lucky and felt the symptoms coming on and was able to do something about them before it blew up into a full blown PTSD/panic attack episode. No matter what else is going on, there is a constant thread that runs through my symptoms…my wrists tighten. It feels like someone is trying to hold my wrists down. That is my first sign of trouble. What happens next is anyone’s guess. I can never tell how quickly it will escalate, how long it will last, or how intense it will be when it reaches its peak. Whenever I feel the tightening on my wrists rear its ugly head I feel like I’m left holding on and bracing for impact. I can see how this feeling only increases my anxiety, which increase my stress, which increases my panic. It is a vicious cycle. In an effort to try and prevent this feeling of pressure on my wrists, I don’t wear a watch and I don’t wear bracelets. I have to even be careful of the gloves I wear in the winter, making sure they aren’t too snug around my wrists.
I would love to talk to someone, or hear from someone, who has fought or is fighting the battle against PTSD. I feel like am in uncharted territory and I am desperate for a cartographer. I am exhausted from a fight that seems endless and, at times, futile. I am exhausted from having to fight this each and every single day. I want to know for certain that it does get better and I will beat this bitch of a thing called PTSD. I want to know that there will be a time in my life that I don’t have to worry about triggers. I am just so tired and I want my fucking life back! I want to live my life without fear.
I just want to know how to fight this and win. Can anyone help?