Showing posts from 2015

Ringing in a New Year!

While I realize that a large part of the world has already rung in 2016, I want to take this opportunity wish everyone a very happy 2016!

My new year's wishes for the world is that 2016 brings about a more accepting, inclusive, compassionate,safe, loving and peaceful society than we have seen this past year.

May every refugee find a safe country to call home and rebuild their lives.  May every woman find her rights upheld, see those who have committed crimes against her prosecuted and find equality in all aspects of her life...especially in regards to equal pay and paid maternity leave.  May Lady Justice (I'm talking to you, USA) put her blindfold back on so that all people are treated equally in the eyes of her system.  May cities across the world, but especially in the USA (Yep, I'm calling you out again!), root out the bad cops among law enforcement and recruit only the best men and women to serve as police officers.  There needs to be change in a system that stand by…

Santa Claus

Since it is the holiday season, I wanted to share something that I read every year.  It was originally published in The New York Sun on September 21, 1897.  I am 35 years old and I know that Santa Claus is real.
I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year.  May the spirit of Santa Claus be forever in your hearts!

"We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun: Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West Ninety Fifth Street Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds…

What I Know for Sure

In this blog I have spoken about the issues I have faced in my past.  I have spoken about being molested by a complete asshole of a cousin when I was a child, being raped by an even bigger asshole of a now ex-boyfriend in 2000 and being raped again by the biggest asshole of them all, getting pregnant by him and miscarrying my son in 2012.  I have shared my pain, my life and my heart with you all.  Tonight, I am going to share something completely different.  Tonight, I am going to talk about the state of the world and what I know for sure in regards to my country, the things that are happening all over the world, and the things I can no longer stay quiet about. Tonight, I am just pissed off!  I don't have answers, but I do have a voice and I am not afraid to use it. What I have to say may not be popular, but I promised to share with you the good, the bad and the ugly, so here goes.

Over the last few weeks the world has seen one horrific tragedy after another: The bombing of a Rus…

Reflections on a Violent Day

I had originally intended to post something different tonight, but as some of you may have heard there has been yet another mass shooting, to be more specific another mass shooting in a school, in my country today and I can't remain silent.  

The 2nd Amendment of the United States Constitution states that, "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." This amendment was necessary at the time in which it was written.  It was written at a time when the Revolutionary War was ongoing. This amendment gave citizens the right to bear arms in defense of their families in the face of enemy soldiers.  I highly doubt the Founding Fathers thought that 200+ years later the number of guns in the United States would be roughly equal to the total of every man, woman and child within her borders.  
The first school shooting that I remember vividly was at Columbine High School.  I was in my…

She Dies at the End

I don't normally recommend books for people to read.  Truth be told, I don't make many recommendations at all.  However, I MUST make a recommendation about this.
A book is available on by new author A.M. Manay.
The book, She Dies at the End, brings readers the very best of the vampire and faerie genre,..and I am generally not a fan.  Here is the review I wrote on

OK I'll admit it - I am not a vampire genre fan. When I first heard the premise of A.M. Manay's debut novel, She Dies at the End, I immediately thought, "Oh great! Just what the world needs, another book involving vampires!" So if you are looking for the typical Twilight style vampire genre book, this is not the book for you. Here's why: This book is anything but typical! A.M. Manay takes the genre and flips it around, pulls it inside out and turns it into something remarkable, imaginative and captivating. By the time I was done reading the first page, I was hooked; I had …

Remembering Robin Williams and Starting a Conversation About Lewy Body Disease

On August 11, 2014 a brilliant, funny, joyful, compassionate and, simply put, a truly good man, who was known the world over was lost to us.  On August 11, 2014 the world lost Robin Williams to suicide.  The world became irreparably darker on that day because the brightest light among us had been extinguished far too soon. And while I never had the chance to meet Robin Williams in person, for me, he always felt like he was part of my family. His loss was personal.  The reality of it gutted me and at the same time it is still something I am not entirely willing to accept.

Robin's work was something that, no matter what was going on in my life, I could always go to in order to get me through. When I needed to laugh, there was Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Morning, Vietnam, or The Birdcage.  When I needed to be inspired, there was Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, Patch Adams, Awakenings or Jack.  When I needed to cry (because we all need to cry now and then), there was What D…

Aches and Pains and Prickly Things

I haven't written a whole lot in the last 2 months and since I share so much with all of you, I think it is only fair that I share this. I have written before about the suck that is autoimmune diseases. Just about everyone on my mom's side of the family has some kind of autoimmune disease, so I come by it honestly.  We have Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Osteoarthritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Crohn's Disease.  There are probably a few others that I am missing, but you get the point.  Any doctor who wants to study the hereditary link of autoimmune disease should really study my family.

I deal with muscle and joint pain on a daily basis. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being excruciating pain and 1 being no pain, I have gotten used to living with a pain level of anywhere between a 6 and an 8 on a daily basis.  My rheumatologist has told me that it is caused by Inflammatory Arthritis, which means my muscles and joint swell causing a lot o…

Father's Day 2015

My dad (Papa) was the most incredible man.  I know everyone says that about their dads, especially today, but I truly had the market cornered on the most incredible dad in the world. He walked into a ready made family when he married my mom and he embraced us as if we were biologically his. Biology never mattered to him.  All that mattered was a truly special love that he had for us. Each day we had with my dad was a beautiful, precious and wonderful gift.  Every hug magically made all the problems going on disappear.  Every talk and seemingly mundane moment was special. Every single time something made him laugh out loud (not an easy feat) was a moment that lit up whatever room he was in.

He took in the world and I got to be with him when he experienced some amazing things...

He loved baseball and I sat with him when the Boston Red Sox broke the curse of the Bambino.  I sat on the edge of my seat with him when the Philadelphia Phillies​ won the World Series.  I watched him tear up a…


I recently saw an interview with a recent recipient of the Congressional Medal of Honor.  He was asked what he was thinking when he put himself in harm's way to save his fellow soldier.  He said (and I am paraphrasing here) that when you are in the military you are taught to not think about yourself.  Instead, you think about the people to the left of you and the right of you.  You do everything to protect them. That is what he did when a member of his unit was being taken by someone in the Taliban.  This brave soldier went after his friend, pulled him to safety while fending off the Taliban. As I watched this, I immediately thought of my mom.  My mom was never in the military, but she has certainly been through the hell.
I have been trying to write this for days, but I am finding it hard to come up with the words to truly express what my mom means to me.  How do you thank the person who stayed in a less than ideal marriage simply so she could have you?  How do you thank the per…

What If?

How different would my life have been if I had just bought that ticket, gotten on that plane and headed across the pond like we planned?  Would it have made a difference?  Would we have lived happily ever after? Would you have chosen me?  Could I have forgiven the horrible lie? I have no idea why, but each day since that time in my life 9 years ago I play the what ifs over in my head. D, if you are reading this, please know that for some inexplicable reason you are still in my thoughts and in my heart each day. I wish nothing but the very best for you. I have avoided sharing this part of my life, but I have realized that if I am ever going to be able to free myself from you and fully open my heart again, without pushing someone worthy of it away, I have to deal with this part of it and try to heal from the damage left in your wake.

During the years of 2005 to 2007, I was engaged to someone I no longer trusted simply because his lies, and his lack of a backbone when it came to his mot…

Surgery and Stitches and Bandages...Oh My!

Over the last few years I have been sick with recurring abscesses in my right breast.  They have been happening for no other reason, that any of my doctors can figure out anyway, than my immune system sucks something awful.  Normally they see a breast abscess in nursing mothers (and as I have discussed, I am not one) and heavy smokers (I am not one of those either).  What has left my doctors stumped has been the lovely fact that normal people can have bacteria find its way into their body and their immune system, with the help of an occasional antibiotic, can fight it off.  So, the regular course of treatment for a breast abscess is antibiotics, draining if necessary, and then the abscess is gone.  In my case, my body doesn't fight it off so my doctor had to keep going in and either aspirating the abscess with a needle (which would cause an autoimmune flare up) or drain the fluid through an incision (which would cause an enormous autoimmune flare up).  In both scenarios, I would …

Five Years Ago

With today, February 8, 2015,  being the 5th anniversary of my dad's passing, I thought it was only appropriate to post my favorite picture with him...I'm the one with my fingers in my mouth and twirling my hair.

I love you, Papa. I always will.

Words unspoken

5 years is a long time.  1826 days (leap year counts!). 43,824 hours. 2,629,440 minutes (if I did my math right).  With all that time, I would think that the pain from loss would have eased a little bit by now.  I would think that I wouldn't be relieving and replaying every minute of each day that happened 5 years ago.  I guess that would make life too easy.
Tuesday, February 3rd, will mark 5 years since I last heard my dad's voice.  It will mark 5 years since he was able to say, "I love you and I am proud of you."  It will mark 5 years since I heard him say "Happy birthday."  I think about that day every single day.  Every year I replay it all starting in mid-January.  It is like a never ending tape.  It makes it nearly impossible to be happy about my birthday because all I think about is how much I miss him and how I will never get to hear his voice say those things again.
I think about all of the happy times, all of the ways that my dad made every day l…

At a loss

The events in Paris, France over the last two days have been devastating to see/read.  So many innocent lives lost in the name of a religion that, if followed by its true meaning, is peaceful and quite beautiful. As a product of multiple religions, it is heartbreaking to me. This is not a problem with one religion versus another.  This is a problem with terrorists posing as true believers and using their deity's name to destroy lives.  So for now I will simply say...

Je suis Charlie.

Dark and Twisty, Yet Strangely at Peace

Trauma has a paralyzing effect.

Trauma has a way of making you want to stay some place dark, safe and secure.   It makes venturing out into the world a terrifying prospect.  The anxiety can get so all consuming that it makes you too scared to even be around your friends.  Then that makes you too scared to confide in your friends the truth about how debilitating PTSD, anxiety disorder, and depression can be.  You don't say anything because you are afraid they won't understand, or worse they will decide that your friendship isn't worth the drama. You can try to explain it but that means the dark and twisty parts of your life, parts that only one or two people knew about, will come out.  This is a lonely place to be.

I have been keeping secrets for the majority of my life.  I kept quiet about being sexually abused by my asshole cousin for 5 years, give or take.  I stayed quiet about the emotional and verbal abuse at the hands of my high school/freshman year of college boyfr…