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Showing posts from 2014

The Weight of Burdens

I have tried to write this post at least 5 times.

Before I started this blog I decided that I wanted to make my story and Journey public because I was hoping to help someone else.  I promised to share the good, the bad, and the ugly of my Journey.  For the last 2 years I have been keeping a secret from everyone in my life, including all of you. 2 years is too long to remain silent yet again.  I don't want to carry this any longer.

When your love life, more like the total disaster of your love life, complete with its myriad losers, assholes and total mother fuckers, becomes the punchline of your life it is very difficult to admit that it happened again.  How could it have happenedagain?  How could I have chosen so wrong again?  How could I have been so stupid, weak and unable to fight back? How could I have (fill in the blank about how incredibly stupid I was)? Now is the time to start forgiving myself.  Now is the time to start loving myself the way that I love everyone else...t…

Private Violence Premiering on HBO

The issue of domestic violence knows no age, geographical region, or even gender.  It is something that has unfortunately impacted the lives of many people I know.

On the left hand side of this blog there is a link to the website for the documentary Private Violence.  It follows two very brave survivors, one of whom, Kit Gruelle, I am very honored to know and call a friend.  Private Violence was an Official Selection at the 2014 Sundance Film Festival, won the Human Rights Award at the Full Frame Documentary Film Festival, and won the Silver Heart Award at the Dallas International Film Festival.  At the Sundance Film Festival, Private Violence caught the eye of HBO and the company was impressed and moved by this very important issue to buy the documentary.

I am proud to announce that on Monday, October 20, 2014 at 9:00 p.m. EST, HBO will premiere Private Violence as a part of their documentary series.  If you have access to HBO please make sure you tune in.

Congratulations to the P…

SoulArtPhotography

Four years ago, while I was on a trip to Rome, Italy with my mom, I fell in love with photography. With my little Polaroid digital camera and our Kodak Easy Share Z980 Camera, I managed to take some truly incredible photos...4 years later I still can't believe some of them, especially since it was the first time using the Kodak camera. Since then I have taken photographed everything from flowers in our garden and snow falling in our neighborhood to a 40th high school class reunion, acted as the unofficial photographer for two weddings - meaning I took my own pictures while the professional photographers did their thing - and took pregnancy photos for my amazing cousin, who is one of the bravest, most inspiring people in my life.

Over the last four years photography has become my creative outlet.  It is therapeutic for me.  If I have a terrible day at work, or in life, I have always been able to come home, grab my camera and create something beautiful...soul art, if you will.  I …

Robin Williams Remembered

I have been trying to wrap my mind and heart around the passing of Robin Williams. Even though I never had the pleasure of meeting him in person, I feel like I lost a friend. His movies and comedic work have meant so much to me, not to mention helped get me through some very dark days. The Fisher King, one of my all time favorite movies and performances of his.  I saw this movie when I had been in one of the darkest places of my life and felt like trash.  It was this movie, this performance that made me realize, "you can find the most beautiful things in the trash."

It breaks my heart to know that he took his own life.  Surrounded by family and friends who loved and supported him, but still the darkness was too strong to fight off.  Depression can be a battle on good days and a full blown war on bad days. Heaven is too full of the angels we have lost to this war.  For me and all of us who are left to fight the battle each day, let us never forget how much love surrounds u…

Autoimmune Diseases Are the Devil

Time has gotten away from me.  I have been sick and haven't had the energy to write.

Everyone on my mom's side of the family has some type of autoimmune related disease.  Everything from Fibromyalgia and Lupus to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Multiple Sclerosis, we've got it all!
I was diagnosed with some form of arthritis about 4 years ago.  My doctor has not decided exactly what kind it is, but it's there.
Over the last 6-9 months my symptoms have escalated.  My joints have swelled.  My muscles ache.  Most days my body feels broken. There is a blood test called a SED rate.  It tests the rate of inflammation in your body.  A scale of 0 > 20 is within normal limits.  When I was referred to a rheumatologist a few years ago my SED rate came back at 96.  My most recent blood work showed that my SED rate was 46. It is much better than 96, but it is still very high.  When I have had flair ups in the past I would just be tired and have a lot of pain.  But over these las…

Maya Angelou

I sat at my desk and cried today as I heard the news that Maya Angelou had died today.  She was a hero of mine, an inspiration, and a survivor.  She was a woman of unapologetic strength, conviction and wisdom. Maya Angelou was, as her poem states, "a phenomenal woman."
For Christmas in 1993, my mom gave me a copy of Maya Angelou's book, Wouldn't Take Nothing from My Journey Now.  This was the door to the world of Maya Angelou opening for me.  It was the world of truly beautiful, awe inspiring, magnificent writing all at once making itself known to me.  I fell in love with her words. The fluidity of their expression and how they seemed to dance on the page was an inspiration to me. From that moment on, I began to truly appreciate the beauty and power of words.
In honor of Maya Angelou, I would like to share a poem she wrote that has meant a great deal to me, especially as I have been on this Journey.
Ms. Angelou, thank you for your strength and for showing me the po…

Say Something

Image
You may have noticed that the Journey has taken on a new look.  I have done away with the dark and have moved toward the light.  This was done symbolically, as I have made the decision to remove the toxic influences in my life.  This decision was not made quickly or lightly, but it was necessary in order to move forward with my journey.

There is a song out now by the band A Great Big World called "Say Something."  Here's the video courtesy of YouTube.

The first time I heard this song, I was in my car and I started to cry uncontrollably.  Thankfully someone else was driving the car at the time.  I felt like this song threw everything that I lost in my face - the baby, the person I was before the rape, the person I was trying to become, and the life I was planning to have.  I cried anytime I heard this song, yet I felt compelled to listen to it every time it came on the radio.  It is agonizingly beautiful to me.
The song came on the radio as I was driving to work one mor…

A New Way to Follow My Journey

What is this random link?  Why is there a blog post with this crazy fucking link?
Good questions!
A friend of mine, who writes a great blog called Lovely Linny Likes http://lovelylinnylikes.blogspot.com/, introduced me to this site called Bloglovin.com.  It is a place to find blogs to follow.  It seems pretty fantastic so far. So this random, crazy fucking link has a blog post so I can give my Journey a wider audience. All you have to do is go to www.bloglovin.com and look up Journey of a Thousand Miles and follow me.

Thanks for following me!

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/12142287/?claim=hj7jjjnwut3">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

An Open Letter to My Child

During my last session with Bonita she recommended that I write a letter to the baby I lost. She wanted me to write about all of the things I wanted and wished for the baby.  She believed it would help me release some of the grief I have over the loss.  I agreed because Bonita has a tendency to have wonderful ideas, and for this I am truly grateful.  It has taken me a long time to get this letter written, partially because I didn't know where to even start and partially because I needed to keep stepping away from it in order to maintain clarity.  Here goes...

My dearest angel,
In the beginning of December 2013 it hit me like a ton of bricks that this would have been your first Christmas.  When I think of all of the wonders you would have experienced and all of the love that would have been showered upon you, it breaks my heart all over again.    
It seems strange to me at times that I feel such loss and heartache when I only had you in my womb for a few precious weeks.  Those wee…

Tomba

Every year around this time the same thing happens.  My brain replays every moment of the few weeks leading up to my dad’s death on February 8, 2010.  It replays everything I did, everything I felt, everything I thought about.  I relive it all like a vicious movie that is on constant replay from the beginning of January through February of every single year.  This year, though, seems a bit harder to handle because of the Olympics. My dad loved watching the Olympics.  He would cheer for the most obscure person who is probably really famous is his/her home country, but someone we have never heard of…like the 1992 and 1994 Winter Olympics and Tomba.  Alberto Tomba was a cocky Italian Alpine skiing champion.  He competed in the giant slalom and slalom in 1992, winning the gold and silver respectively, and the slalom in 1994 winning the silver. My dad became playfully obsessed with him.  During each run Tomba would finish, the chant of “Tomba! Tomba! Tomba!” could be heard throughout the …

M.I.A.

Hi all,
I've been silent in recent weeks for a few reasons. In December, I was focusing my energy on getting through the holidays. Since my Dad died they have been tough, but that difficulty was compounded by the knowledge that this would have been my baby's first Christmas if I didn't miscarry. I have taken the homework Bonita gave me very seriously and I have been working on a letter to the baby. It is a work in progress, but something I will share when it is complete.
By Christmas day I was at a very low point, crying a lot and just allowing myself to feel the grief and sorrow that goes along with the loss of losing a pregnancy. While my Mom and I were in a cooking frenzy preparing Christmas dinner for the family, my cousin Marianne (Marianne, our cousin Anne Margaret and I are within 6 months of each other in age and grew up as close as sisters) called to let us know that she and her husband, Bob, will be adding to our wonderful family in the summer when they welcome…