Movie in My Mind
I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about what could have been, should have been and has been in my life. Like most people, I had a grand plan of what my life would be. I knew that I wanted my life to mean something, I wanted to use my life to help other people. In my plan that was going to be through the study of law or maybe psychology. I was going to get married, have children and use my life to help other people. This was my plan for my life. This was the plan I had since I was a child. Unfortunately, as we all know, life barely ever goes according to plan. Sometimes the universe takes your plan and decides it is worthy of complete and total destruction. It has become apparent to me that my plan was deemed worthy of destruction.
I know I am trying to stay positive, but I promised to be honest and share everything, even the bad days. These last few days have made it very hard to see the glass as being half full. My heart and soul are aching and I am struggling with how to make the pain stop. On bad days it feels like I have a movie on constant replay in my mind: Rape, abuse, miscarriage, loss. On bad days I can't shake these things. I can't make the movie shut off.
These last few weeks I have been reliving the short lived pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent the miscarriage, just like there was nothing I did to cause it. My heart aches just the same though. My heart aches over the knowledge that I couldn't protect it. I couldn't do my job as a woman and protect the fetus that was starting to grow inside of me. I always swore that when I had children I move go to the ends of the earth, doing whatever it take to I protect them and I failed in this before my child was even born. I have so much guilt about this and I am not sure how to even begin to reconcile it.
I hear about women who lose their children and I can only imagine how they feel. They had their children with them for a period of time. They got to have them in their lives and get to know the people these children were becoming. My heart breaks for them. I grieve for them. Then I wonder if I even have the right to grieve for the baby I lost when I never had the chance to know him or her. I don't know that I have that right, but again, I doesn't make it hurt any less. This may just be something that only time can heal. I just hope it gets easier sooner rather than later.
I know I am trying to stay positive, but I promised to be honest and share everything, even the bad days. These last few days have made it very hard to see the glass as being half full. My heart and soul are aching and I am struggling with how to make the pain stop. On bad days it feels like I have a movie on constant replay in my mind: Rape, abuse, miscarriage, loss. On bad days I can't shake these things. I can't make the movie shut off.
These last few weeks I have been reliving the short lived pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent the miscarriage, just like there was nothing I did to cause it. My heart aches just the same though. My heart aches over the knowledge that I couldn't protect it. I couldn't do my job as a woman and protect the fetus that was starting to grow inside of me. I always swore that when I had children I move go to the ends of the earth, doing whatever it take to I protect them and I failed in this before my child was even born. I have so much guilt about this and I am not sure how to even begin to reconcile it.
I hear about women who lose their children and I can only imagine how they feel. They had their children with them for a period of time. They got to have them in their lives and get to know the people these children were becoming. My heart breaks for them. I grieve for them. Then I wonder if I even have the right to grieve for the baby I lost when I never had the chance to know him or her. I don't know that I have that right, but again, I doesn't make it hurt any less. This may just be something that only time can heal. I just hope it gets easier sooner rather than later.
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