I've been silent in recent weeks for a few reasons. In December, I was focusing my energy on getting through the holidays. Since my Dad died they have been tough, but that difficulty was compounded by the knowledge that this would have been my baby's first Christmas if I didn't miscarry. I have taken the homework Bonita gave me very seriously and I have been working on a letter to the baby. It is a work in progress, but something I will share when it is complete.
By Christmas day I was at a very low point, crying a lot and just allowing myself to feel the grief and sorrow that goes along with the loss of losing a pregnancy. While my Mom and I were in a cooking frenzy preparing Christmas dinner for the family, my cousin Marianne (Marianne, our cousin Anne Margaret and I are within 6 months of each other in age and grew up as close as sisters) called to let us know that she and her husband, Bob, will be adding to our wonderful family in the summer when they welcome their first child. The happiness of the news filled me up. When we hung up the phone I started to sob as I was hit hard by the grief again. I started thinking about my beautiful, kind hearted cousin and her loving husband and I felt peace in my heart. I know that my baby cousin to be is going to be born surrounded by so much love and the love and heartache I have for my baby would be much better served if redirected. With that I felt the lock on this box start to come unlocked. While the lock is not fully undone, Marianne, Bob and the baby on the way gave me the beautiful gift of a start toward peace with this.
I approached the new year with an open mind and a heart open to all of the possibilities life can present. On New Year's day I managed to get a concussion courtesy of my dog, Zoe. While trying to calm her down I leaned my head down toward hers she got startled and whipped her head up...colliding with my left eye and left side of my forehead giving me a concussion. A few days later my Mom was in a car accident because of extremely foggy conditions. She broke her left hand in the crash and had surgery to put pins in her hand to heal the break and a dislocated joint. Those will be in place for 5 weeks and once removed she will need physical therapy. I guess you can say the 2014 started off with a bang...or a crash. It can only get better from here, right?
The last few weeks have been tough, though. I have hit low points; times I have wanted to cut and times I have wanted to just give up. I have felt lost. I have felt alone. I have been scared. I am completely exhausted on every level - physically, mentally and emotionally. I am trying to take each day as it comes, one hour at a time until I can build that back up again.
One hour at a time. One day at a time. One step at a time. That is all I can do for now, and that is ok.