Say Something

You may have noticed that the Journey has taken on a new look.  I have done away with the dark and have moved toward the light.  This was done symbolically, as I have made the decision to remove the toxic influences in my life.  This decision was not made quickly or lightly, but it was necessary in order to move forward with my journey.

There is a song out now by the band A Great Big World called "Say Something."  Here's the video courtesy of YouTube.

The first time I heard this song, I was in my car and I started to cry uncontrollably.  Thankfully someone else was driving the car at the time.  I felt like this song threw everything that I lost in my face - the baby, the person I was before the rape, the person I was trying to become, and the life I was planning to have.  I cried anytime I heard this song, yet I felt compelled to listen to it every time it came on the radio.  It is agonizingly beautiful to me.
The song came on the radio as I was driving to work one morning about 3 weeks ago.  As I listened to it - really listened to it - I realized that I did need to say goodbye and let go of someone who I have been fighting like hell to hold on to.  I needed to let go and stop chasing after the person I was before the rape. That person is gone. She died that morning. While I miss her, I need to accept that I will never be able to be her again.  I am a different person and, unfortunately, going back in time is not an option. I need to give up and say goodbye to the person I used to be.
I have finally realized that in order to take the next step in my Journey, I must do this.  It is the only way I can be free from the chains that are keeping me small and tied to that morning.  I have let that morning define me for far too long.  No more!  I refuse to allow this thing or the monster who raped me take one more damn thing from me!  I will no longer allow the toxic people and toxic influences that have taken over my life to have a say in it. So get out!  You're no longer welcome in this life of mine!  You have outlived your usefulness.  You have made me feel terrible about myself.  You have made me question what I know to be true. You have told me that this was the only safe place, yet you were secretly trying to sabotage the life I was trying to rebuild and hoping I wouldn't realize it. I'm giving up on you, on all of you and the negativity that comes with you. Step aside. My life is no longer yours to screw with for your amusement.  Your time is done.  It's my turn now!