Heartbreak and Healing
By all accounts I have been living a fairy tale these last 16 months. After unspeakable trauma, I found the absolute love of my life, my soulmate, the person who is truly my other half. Jesse is everything I ever dreamed about finding in my partner. While I have the most amazing, wonderful, brilliant, kind, and compassionate bonus son in Jesse's 10 year old son from his previous marriage, we had wanted to have a baby together.
Having a child was something I always knew I wanted. I wanted the whole experience of being pregnant and giving birth to my child (with a lot of pain killers, of course!). I have written quite a bit about my son, Gabriel, who I lost to miscarriage. When I met Jesse, I truly believed that this dream would come true. Everything else about our relationship has been like a fairy tale, so why not this. Sure, we have had some hiccups, but even Cinderella had to deal with Lady Tremaine, two bitchy step-sisters, a sadistic cat and a whole lot of bullshit before finding Prince Charming and putting on one hell of a delicate shoe. Even with all that, we didn't see this one coming.
Since I got my first menstrual period, "Aunt Flo" has been the biggest bitch! From extreme pain, heavy bleeding, back cramping, and even thigh cramping, she brought her nastiest symptoms. By 16 years old I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had the first of 8 surgeries to get rid of it. So when the pain started up again, Jesse and I thought it could be the endometriosis coming back or adhesions from all of the previous surgeries running amuck. However, we started getting concerned when "Aunt Flo's" last visit was 21 days long. I got an emergency appointment with an amazing Ob/Gyn, who sent me for an ultrasound. On December 6th, we found out that I would never be able to have a child. I have 4 huge fibroids that are doing structural damage to my uterus. My uterus is the size of someone who is 14 weeks pregnant, I have a condition that is causing the muscle to bleed, and fill my uterus with blood. In short, I have to have a total hysterectomy, with only a possibility of my ovaries being salvageable.
On January 9th, I was supposed to be going in and officially saying bon voyage to my uterus and cervix. After we got checked in and were heading into the elevator, Jesse collapsed from a massive pulmonary embolism. He was taken immediately to the emergency room and then to the ICU. Needless to say, my surgery was postponed. Thanks to a team of AMAZING doctors and nurses, and after 5 of the longest days of my life, Jesse is home and doing well. The doctors have said that it will take a few months before he is 100%, but he is on the right track.
I'm still trying to process what happened. Quite a few tears have been shed so far. What almost happened to the love of my life, my soulmate, my true other half, is something I just can't quite fully wrap my head around yet. Therapy will be involved. When I think about what could have happened, I just cry because I truly can't imagine life without this amazing man, partner, father, and human being by my side to share this crazy life. The thought is too painful to really process, hence the therapy.
So now, as we get Jesse back to health, we wait for the next hurdle to arrive on March 9th. We both know it will be very emotional since we say goodbye to our dreams of bringing a piece of us into the world. However, he will be there, holding my hand through it all, and that makes me the luckiest woman in the world.
Having a child was something I always knew I wanted. I wanted the whole experience of being pregnant and giving birth to my child (with a lot of pain killers, of course!). I have written quite a bit about my son, Gabriel, who I lost to miscarriage. When I met Jesse, I truly believed that this dream would come true. Everything else about our relationship has been like a fairy tale, so why not this. Sure, we have had some hiccups, but even Cinderella had to deal with Lady Tremaine, two bitchy step-sisters, a sadistic cat and a whole lot of bullshit before finding Prince Charming and putting on one hell of a delicate shoe. Even with all that, we didn't see this one coming.
Since I got my first menstrual period, "Aunt Flo" has been the biggest bitch! From extreme pain, heavy bleeding, back cramping, and even thigh cramping, she brought her nastiest symptoms. By 16 years old I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had the first of 8 surgeries to get rid of it. So when the pain started up again, Jesse and I thought it could be the endometriosis coming back or adhesions from all of the previous surgeries running amuck. However, we started getting concerned when "Aunt Flo's" last visit was 21 days long. I got an emergency appointment with an amazing Ob/Gyn, who sent me for an ultrasound. On December 6th, we found out that I would never be able to have a child. I have 4 huge fibroids that are doing structural damage to my uterus. My uterus is the size of someone who is 14 weeks pregnant, I have a condition that is causing the muscle to bleed, and fill my uterus with blood. In short, I have to have a total hysterectomy, with only a possibility of my ovaries being salvageable.
On January 9th, I was supposed to be going in and officially saying bon voyage to my uterus and cervix. After we got checked in and were heading into the elevator, Jesse collapsed from a massive pulmonary embolism. He was taken immediately to the emergency room and then to the ICU. Needless to say, my surgery was postponed. Thanks to a team of AMAZING doctors and nurses, and after 5 of the longest days of my life, Jesse is home and doing well. The doctors have said that it will take a few months before he is 100%, but he is on the right track.
I'm still trying to process what happened. Quite a few tears have been shed so far. What almost happened to the love of my life, my soulmate, my true other half, is something I just can't quite fully wrap my head around yet. Therapy will be involved. When I think about what could have happened, I just cry because I truly can't imagine life without this amazing man, partner, father, and human being by my side to share this crazy life. The thought is too painful to really process, hence the therapy.
So now, as we get Jesse back to health, we wait for the next hurdle to arrive on March 9th. We both know it will be very emotional since we say goodbye to our dreams of bringing a piece of us into the world. However, he will be there, holding my hand through it all, and that makes me the luckiest woman in the world.
Comments
Post a Comment