Healing from a Hysterectomy in the Midst of COVID-19 Social Distancing
I'm not sure why writing to total strangers all over the world is easier than saying how I feel out loud, but for now it is. Maybe it's the act of writing it all down that feels freeing or maybe it is having a captive audience that doesn't interrupt me when I need to spill my guts out. Whatever the reason, this is easier for now. So here goes...
As of today, I am 3 weeks and 6 days post-op from my total hysterectomy and I am healing well, aside from the massive post-surgical lupus flare I am in again. I was put on prednisone for the initial flare, but it is now out of my system and all of the crappy lupus flare symptoms are back with a vengeance. I'm still here, though.
There are some things doctors don't tell you before you have a hysterectomy, especially when you need to have one before you have had the chance to have children. They don't tell you how unbelievably sad and truly empty it makes you feel. When the thing that your body was made to do, to create and grow a new life, is no longer a possibility it is an incredibly lonely feeling. Sure, there are support groups and friends and family who have been through it, and people who've been through it know and will share their experience if you ask, but when you have to go through it in your own head it's just you, all alone.
I'm finding it very difficult to articulate to my family and others just how broken I feel. Yes, I feel broken, defective even. I feel this void inside me and I want to scream. I want to scream at the top of my lungs so everyone can hear me. I want everyone to know how absolutely horrible, angry, pissed off I feel. I feel cheated! I feel robbed of the one thing I always knew I wanted! I feel like I've robbed Jesse of the chance to give David a sibling. Last night I told him how sorry I am to not be able to give him that. I even asked him if he'd rather be with someone who can give that to him. Without missing a beat he simply said he loves me and wasn't losing me. I'm so lucky to have this incredible man in my life. I'm so lucky he picked me to give his heart to and share his life with. However, even with that reassurance, I'm scared that he will, in time, resent me, hate me, or want out. I know I'm crazy for even thinking it (which is what Jesse would lovingly tell me), but it's hard to not let the thoughts, fears, and even paranoia invade my brain. A part of me still looks at this incredible, kind, sweet, loving, perfectly imperfect man, who makes me feel smart, beautiful, and unconditionally loved, and feels like I don't deserve nor am I worthy of him. I know where those thoughts come from - years of dating abusive assholes can really do a number on your self esteem, confidence and self worth - it's making them go away that's the problem.
I feel so empty inside. I feel like less of a woman. I feel like that part of me, the part that made me feel sexy, beautiful and confident, is damaged and I am struggling to find my way back to it. All of this is compounded by a serious case of cabin fever thanks to COVID-19. Thankfully my family and friends are all healthy and safe at the moment, but the loneliness is amplified by not being able to have friends and family visit. Nothing makes loneliness worse than social distancing and isolation. Thanks, COVID-19!
I'm so sad that I can't even allow myself to think of what I lost because I'm afraid there would be no coming back from it. Losing Gabriel damn near broke me and it took a lot of work to come back from it. Now that I've permanently lost the possibility of having a child, I don't know if I can handle it. I don't even know how to begin to process it. The thought of going down this rabbit hole scares me so much. However, maybe it's the thought of truly opening up about it, with the possibility of being rejected or my feelings being invalidated, scares me more.
As of today, I am 3 weeks and 6 days post-op from my total hysterectomy and I am healing well, aside from the massive post-surgical lupus flare I am in again. I was put on prednisone for the initial flare, but it is now out of my system and all of the crappy lupus flare symptoms are back with a vengeance. I'm still here, though.
There are some things doctors don't tell you before you have a hysterectomy, especially when you need to have one before you have had the chance to have children. They don't tell you how unbelievably sad and truly empty it makes you feel. When the thing that your body was made to do, to create and grow a new life, is no longer a possibility it is an incredibly lonely feeling. Sure, there are support groups and friends and family who have been through it, and people who've been through it know and will share their experience if you ask, but when you have to go through it in your own head it's just you, all alone.
I'm finding it very difficult to articulate to my family and others just how broken I feel. Yes, I feel broken, defective even. I feel this void inside me and I want to scream. I want to scream at the top of my lungs so everyone can hear me. I want everyone to know how absolutely horrible, angry, pissed off I feel. I feel cheated! I feel robbed of the one thing I always knew I wanted! I feel like I've robbed Jesse of the chance to give David a sibling. Last night I told him how sorry I am to not be able to give him that. I even asked him if he'd rather be with someone who can give that to him. Without missing a beat he simply said he loves me and wasn't losing me. I'm so lucky to have this incredible man in my life. I'm so lucky he picked me to give his heart to and share his life with. However, even with that reassurance, I'm scared that he will, in time, resent me, hate me, or want out. I know I'm crazy for even thinking it (which is what Jesse would lovingly tell me), but it's hard to not let the thoughts, fears, and even paranoia invade my brain. A part of me still looks at this incredible, kind, sweet, loving, perfectly imperfect man, who makes me feel smart, beautiful, and unconditionally loved, and feels like I don't deserve nor am I worthy of him. I know where those thoughts come from - years of dating abusive assholes can really do a number on your self esteem, confidence and self worth - it's making them go away that's the problem.
I feel so empty inside. I feel like less of a woman. I feel like that part of me, the part that made me feel sexy, beautiful and confident, is damaged and I am struggling to find my way back to it. All of this is compounded by a serious case of cabin fever thanks to COVID-19. Thankfully my family and friends are all healthy and safe at the moment, but the loneliness is amplified by not being able to have friends and family visit. Nothing makes loneliness worse than social distancing and isolation. Thanks, COVID-19!
I'm so sad that I can't even allow myself to think of what I lost because I'm afraid there would be no coming back from it. Losing Gabriel damn near broke me and it took a lot of work to come back from it. Now that I've permanently lost the possibility of having a child, I don't know if I can handle it. I don't even know how to begin to process it. The thought of going down this rabbit hole scares me so much. However, maybe it's the thought of truly opening up about it, with the possibility of being rejected or my feelings being invalidated, scares me more.
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