Imagine a piece of fabric that is all at once extremely delicate, yet able to withstand the most intense pressure. Fabric that is both light as air, yet as sturdy and protective as a suit of armor. Something that is magnificent to gaze upon, yet weathered and worn from experience – complete with tears, holes and frayed edges. How would you begin to repair it?
This is the image I have in my head each time I step foot in Bonita’s office for a session, except the fabric in question is me. We are in the process of identifying all of the areas in need of repair. Slowly moving on to a plan of delicately mending the damage – choosing the right thread and the perfect stitch so it can never come undone or be destroyed again. With every session, every “ah-ha moment,” I feel the needle pierce my spirit with a soothing pain that only healing can bring; its thread binding together the torn pieces with precision and strength. With each stitch I am starting to feel stronger, more alive, and closer to the me that I was before it all.
Maybe this is what my healing journey will be like; each step marking a stitch of repair in my spirit. I am starting to truly understand that each step, each stitch, while painful, is meant to make me stronger, brighter and whole again.
I can’t remember the last time I felt truly whole. The idea of it feels like a foreign concept because I have felt broken for so long. Worse than feeling broken, though, is believing you are broken. This is something I have believed for a very long time. I have believed that I am broken, shattered, damaged beyond repair. I have believed that the rape and abuse made me worthless, damaged goods, someone that no one worth having would ever want. Because of this belief, I listened to those who said they loved me, yet proved differently every single day, instead of listening to those who truly love me and see the best in me. You can’t hear what you aren’t ready to accept and I have been completely deaf.
I have believed for so long that I don’t deserve good people, friends and lovers alike, in my life due to some fucked up notion that I am unworthy of their love. While I have an amazing group of friends, I have kept them at a distance because I felt unworthy of them. And even though I grew up with the most amazing example of what a relationship should be like, I have been attracted to men that are toxic and bad for my physical, mental and emotional well-being. Men who are manipulative, treat me terribly and do everything in their power to make me feel worthless so they have complete control. Those have been the people who have felt safe to me because I didn’t let myself believe that I deserved better. I have gone so far as to repeatedly push away and run from the good guy, good friends and good things that attempt to come into my life because, to me, they are the unknown and truly terrifying.
That ends now.
I am working on changing the recording in my mind, heart and psyche. I don’t want to be the girl who pushes the good guy away because I don’t think I am good enough for him. I don’t want to be the girl who blindly accepts what has been as the only thing that can be in my life. I am starting to realize and understand that I deserve better. More importantly, I am starting to accept that I deserve better. I guess this is the next step of the journey: The acceptance of my worth.