I promised that I would talk about it all here…the good days, the bad days, the days when I am inspired and positive, and the days that I just want to curl up in bed and be left the fuck alone. Today is definitely one of the “I want to curl up in bed and be left the fuck alone” days.
I had another great session with Bonita last night. She has warned me that as we begin to get into the core work it may get worse before it gets better. She added that I may start to have weird or intense dreams because we are stirring up my subconscious, and it will not be happy with me. I am happy she reminded me of that or else waking up this morning with my head a bit of a jumble would have been a bit more startling.
I have been sitting here, staring at a blank page for almost an hour. I want to say something helpful, something hopeful, but right now nothing will come out of my head that is even close to those two things. Today was painful. Today was exhausting on every single level. Today was a day I didn’t even want to be in my own skin. I know there will be days like this. I know that I will have bad days as I go through this process. I just wish I could write about them a bit more eloquently tonight. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be happening right now. All I feel like doing is curling up in bed and staying here for a while. I feel like there is a battle ahead of me and, while I know it is one I must fight once and for all, I am scared to fight it. I am scared that I will reach my breaking point and that I will not have the strength to go further. I am scared that I won’t be able to keep going because it will get too hard.
I have full faith in Bonita. She has helped me so much in just the few sessions I have had with her. Just in the meditation portion of our sessions alone I have felt more like myself than I have in a decade. I am beginning to feel healing energy in my hands again. I could heal with my hands. It was one of the gifts I treasured most about myself. Then slowly, bit by bit, it disappeared. I didn’t know why it disappeared, but it did and I mourned the part of me that was lost. Now that I understand why it disappeared, Bonita and I are working on getting it back. Bit by bit I feel it coming back. Each session it is a little stronger than before. So far I have only been able to replicate it during the meditation portion of our sessions, but knowing that it is still there and still a part of my being is priceless to me.
As bad as today was, I know that tomorrow is a new day, complete with new chances for something to go right. If I take it all hour by hour then I have 24 chances for something to go right tomorrow. That sounds like a good plan to me.