It all started to unravel in July. The realization that if I hadn't had a miscarriage I would have been celebrating the birth of my first child hit me very hard. I allowed the grief and depression to keep me from truly celebrating as friends gave birth to their babies. That on top of a very painful confirmation of a betrayal by a friend left me, needless to say, living in a very dark place.
It is hard to explain to people who have never been in a place like this. It is hard to describe the utter darkness that takes hold when you are depressed and grief stricken. The will to be happy is completely erased, making it difficult to see the light and happiness in anything. It is a physically exhausting place to be. It is emotional and mental torture that never seems to end. The things that threw me down into this abyss play like an endless loop in my mind. I feel lonely and isolated, yet when I am around my friends I shut them out of what is happening inside of me. I go into survival mode.
I feel like I am in an endless cycle of two steps forward and anywhere from three to ten steps back. I make progress only to fall back into this dark place again. It is frustrating, exhausting and disheartening. I need to completely recommit to this process of physical, mental and emotional healing. For me, that is the only way to do it. I must recommit to doing the work so I can finally get to the other side and heal. I will continue to be truthful in my journey, sharing the good and the bad, the ups and downs with you. I will continue to take each day an hour at a time until I am able to take it day by day. I am grateful for the people in my life who have been constant sources of love, support and true friendship. You all know who you are, and I wouldn't have made it this point without you.