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Showing posts from September, 2013

Brave

I read a meme on Facebook last night that made me burst into tears.  It said, "The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."
Brave was not even on my radar.  At the time, the only thing I was thinking of was how to make the pain go away and end the torture that each day had become.  The bravery of that night came from Alison, the amazing friend who stood up and refused to take no for an answer when I told her I didn't want to watch a movie.  She knew something was wrong and she didn't leave my side.  I owe my life to her and I am forever grateful.
When I look back at that day, I see someone who was at rock bottom in so many ways.  I was worn down physically, completely destroyed emotionally, and tortured mentally.  I couldn't keep living like that.  The idea of waking up the next morning and going through another day was terrifying. I needed help and I am grateful that I had people around me who knew how to help me, and still do.  I…

Regaining Focus

I have lost sight of something very important recently.  I have allowed my focus to drift away from my goal of healing and have instead been fixated on the wounds that brought me to this point. I have allowed the pain to take over and I have lost sight of the good that has come from this process.
It all started to unravel in July.  The realization that if I hadn't had a miscarriage I would have been celebrating the birth of my first child hit me very hard.  I allowed the grief and depression to keep me from truly celebrating as friends gave birth to their babies.  That on top of a very painful confirmation of a betrayal by a friend left me, needless to say, living in a very dark place.
It is hard to explain to people who have never been in a place like this.  It is hard to describe the utter darkness that takes hold when you are depressed and grief stricken.  The will to be happy is completely erased, making it difficult to see the light and happiness in anything.  It is a physic…