Sunday, September 29, 2013

Brave

I read a meme on Facebook last night that made me burst into tears.  It said, "The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."
Brave was not even on my radar.  At the time, the only thing I was thinking of was how to make the pain go away and end the torture that each day had become.  The bravery of that night came from Alison, the amazing friend who stood up and refused to take no for an answer when I told her I didn't want to watch a movie.  She knew something was wrong and she didn't leave my side.  I owe my life to her and I am forever grateful.
When I look back at that day, I see someone who was at rock bottom in so many ways.  I was worn down physically, completely destroyed emotionally, and tortured mentally.  I couldn't keep living like that.  The idea of waking up the next morning and going through another day was terrifying. I needed help and I am grateful that I had people around me who knew how to help me, and still do.  I look back on that day and I see how very far I have come, and how far I still have to go on my journey.  The bravery I see from that time in my life does not come from choosing to continue my life when I wanted to die.  That choice was made for me that night by a truly amazing friend who cared more about my than I did about myself.  The bravery I see in myself comes from every single day after the point of rock bottom.  I say that because even on my worst days, I make the conscious decisions to keep waking up in the morning, to keep getting out of bed, and to keep fighting to get my life back.  Hour by hour, day by day, I fight and I win.  I will do this every single day because I will never allow myself to get to that point again.  I will never give up again.  I will always fight, every day if I have to, because I deserve better than what my abuser and rapist have done to me and my life. I will continue to fight because I am stronger than what they did to me.  They tried to destroy me with their words and actions, but they drastically underestimated my strength.  I will never let them win.  I will  fight and I will win.  After all, I have already survived.


Monday, September 9, 2013

Regaining Focus

I have lost sight of something very important recently.  I have allowed my focus to drift away from my goal of healing and have instead been fixated on the wounds that brought me to this point. I have allowed the pain to take over and I have lost sight of the good that has come from this process.
It all started to unravel in July.  The realization that if I hadn't had a miscarriage I would have been celebrating the birth of my first child hit me very hard.  I allowed the grief and depression to keep me from truly celebrating as friends gave birth to their babies.  That on top of a very painful confirmation of a betrayal by a friend left me, needless to say, living in a very dark place.
It is hard to explain to people who have never been in a place like this.  It is hard to describe the utter darkness that takes hold when you are depressed and grief stricken.  The will to be happy is completely erased, making it difficult to see the light and happiness in anything.  It is a physically exhausting place to be. It is emotional and mental torture that never seems to end. The things that threw me down into this abyss play like an endless loop in my mind.  I feel lonely and isolated, yet when I am around my friends I shut them out of what is happening inside of me. I go into survival mode.
I feel like I am in an endless cycle of two steps forward and anywhere from three to ten steps back. I make progress only to fall back into this dark place again.  It is frustrating, exhausting and disheartening.  I need to completely recommit to this process of physical, mental and emotional healing. For me, that is the only way to do it.  I must recommit to doing the work so I can finally get to the other side and heal. I will continue to be truthful in my journey, sharing the good and the bad, the ups and downs with you.  I will continue to take each day an hour at a time until I am able to take it day by day.  I am grateful for the people in my life who have been constant sources of love, support and true friendship.  You all know who you are, and I wouldn't have made it this point without you.