A Realization and a Step Forward
I used to wear clothes that let my personality shine through. I wore clothes that fit my body perfectly and showed off my curves. After the first rape I started to wear clothes dark enough and baggy enough that I went unnoticed. I spent years simply trying to blend into the background. Once I got my legs under me again, I started dressing in clothes that made me feel OK. Not great, just OK. Then the second rape happened, followed by the miscarriage, and I just gave up. I wear baggy clothes that are pretty, but don't make me feel like me.
The other night, I started scrolling through this clothing site that I got a shirt from back in March. It was the first thing that I put on in years that made me feel beautiful and sexy and like me. I was just looking through the shirts and soon found myself adding items to a wishlist that made me feel like my fun, flirty, beautiful self; the self I haven't known in years. I started wanting to wear clothes that fit me again. I got this overwhelming need to stop hiding my body, curves and all, underneath shirts, jeans and dress trousers that are a few sizes too big.
This may sound incredibly silly, but this is a huge realization for me and it marks the first step forward I've had in a long time. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to walk tall. I want to dress like me again. Now I just need to start buying new clothes.