A Realization and a Step Forward

I came to a realization very late the other night.  To most of you it will sound silly, ridiculous even, but for me it is huge.

I used to wear clothes that let my personality shine through.  I wore clothes that fit my body perfectly and showed off my curves.  After the first rape I started to wear clothes dark enough and baggy enough that I went unnoticed. I spent years simply trying to blend into the background.  Once I got my legs under me again, I started dressing in clothes that made me feel OK.  Not great, just OK. Then the second rape happened, followed by the miscarriage, and I just gave up.  I wear baggy clothes that are pretty, but don't make me feel like me.

The other night, I started scrolling through this clothing site that I got a shirt from back in March.  It was the first thing that I put on in years that made me feel beautiful and sexy and like me.  I was just looking through the shirts and soon found myself adding items to a wishlist that made me feel like my fun, flirty, beautiful self; the self I haven't known in years. I started wanting to wear clothes that fit me again.  I got this overwhelming need to stop hiding my body, curves and all, underneath shirts, jeans and dress trousers that are a few sizes too big.

This may sound incredibly silly, but this is a huge realization for me and it marks the first step forward I've had in a long time. I don't want to hide anymore.  I want to walk tall. I want to dress like me again.  Now I just need to start buying new clothes.